Sometime's it's better that way, then people know what their getting right from the start. I know I didn't. And now ten years later I can't stop, once I start anyway. And if you know what I mean I'd really like to talk.
You see.... there worst one started with the first one, the best one started with the last and if I had it to do again I think that I would pass. for I have fallen once again, and it's harder getting up. When reaching for the hands that try,and finding it's to much. So qiut again and maybe I would find the way to stop. Then wake up from this screaming dream...............
what do you want for nothing. maybe next time ;)
Regards,
Larrylive
Tho' I am cut Iam not slain, so I shall lie down and bleed a bit and rise again to fight another day.
today is the next step in the journey......paw
Living a happy, joyous, and free life by embracing the mind, body, and spirit.
Hi Larry -
Glad you are here. Looking forward to hearing more from you. Keep Coming Back.
LoriBelle
Hello Larry!
Welcome to this site! Thank you for sharing your poem with us! Keep coming back!
Ann
Hey Larry, welcome to the sober.com site. I'm also uncertain where you are, at what stage of your recovery. What I know is if you woke up this morning and had the willingness to be sane, clean and sober JUST for the moment ~ then you are growing in the right direction. If you feel comfortable, please share a little bit more about yourself, and how WE can help YOU, help yourself.
Blessings, Jhe T.
Good Evening to all who venture into this post,
I'm the Larry called crackhead and I am trying hard not to be. This addiction started in the mid 90's. Although I had some drug using experience prior to that. My "drug of chioce" is marijauna, but being a crackhead I can no longer afford it. To which I refer to crack as my "drug of chaos". I had actually first tried crack in 1985, half a dozen times. and then I didn't see it, touch it or talk about it for ten years. I may have forgotten about it if someone hadn't offered it it to me in a club I worked at. Oh how I wish I had refused it then. Any way the story progresses about the same as all the others...Lost my wife, my kids, my business etc etc. 12 yrs, 30 jobs and 2 rehabs later and I am sorry to say it ain't any better.
But before you jump the gun and go reaching for conclusions, I will say I am different in so many respects. (oh I can hear the grumbling already) First and foremost I do not "live to use and use to live". I can understand that from the alcoholic, but if I woke up in the morning and took a hit that would be the end of a productive day for I would do nothing else but smoke. As a matter of fact, depending on my current employer, I don't think about crack all day, all week, in fact some times two. But then payday comes. And boy do I hate jobs with Thursday paydays because they don't last long. You see I have but one trigger...money. I can not have access to $20 with out smoking crack. Now do get me wrong, when I say that I mean my $20. There is petty cash right behind me and I am fine. That's right, I don't steal for the drug not even when I am high. But put $20 in my pocket and I am going to smoke crack, and there is nothing I have found that will change that. So for now I have my pay direct deposited to a payee's account.
So, aside from the little glitches of people offering which I am avoiding and/or directing to go away, any ideas on haw to reverse this. And please I have done the whole AA/NA thing numerous times. I still go to meetings, but the contradictions can be so annoying. Sometimes I wonder if the "sober" ones have actually read the book, because rarely have I seen a person follow the path that Bill has spelled out. (And if someone would like to be taken to task, just make a "suggestion") Not only have I read, but I own.. The Big Book, The 12 & 12, The NA Big Book, Just For Today, and Reflections not to mention......
2. NA Big Book
3. How AA Failed Me Marianne Gilliam; Eagle Brook Marrow
4. Chemical Dependency Opposing View Points 362.29 CHE
5. Passages Through Recovery Terrance Gorski MD; Hazeldon 1989
6. The Small Book Jack Trimpey
7. Treating Cocaine Dependency David E. Smith MD & Donald R Wesson MD; Hazeldon 1988
8. Stop The Chaos Allen A Tighe; Hazeldon
9. Hooked Lonnie Shavelson; The New Press, 2001
10. Recovery Options Joseph Volpicelli MD & Maia Szalavitz; John Wiley & sons 2000
11. Kicking addictive Habits Once And For All Dennis C. Daley; Josey-Bass Pub 1991
12. The Craving Brain Ronald A. Rudin MD Harper Collins Pub 1997 616.86 RUD
13. Minds, Brains & Learning James P. Byrnes PhD Guilford Press 2001 612.82 BYR
14. Psychiatric Nursing 2nd Ed. Mary Ann Boyd Lippincott 2002
15. The Recovery Handbook Al J. Mooney MD Workman Pub 1992
16. Dianetics L. Ron Hubbard Bridge Pub. Inc. 1985
17. Cocaineaddiction.com L. Ron Hubbard, Megan Shields MD 2002
18. Under Your Own Power R. Rodgers & C. McMillin, G.P.Putnam’s Sons 1992
19. The Tao of Sobriety D.Gregson & J Efran PhD Thomas Dunne Books 2002
20. Psychology C.Wade & C.Travis Prentice Hall 2000
21. Learning & Behavior Lewis M. Barker Prentice Hall 1997
22. Crack: The Broken Promise Allen & Jekel St. Martin’s Press 1991
23. Treating Substance Abuse Rogers, Keller & Mergenstein Guilford Press 1996
24. Cocaine Weiss, Mirin & Bartel American Psychiatric Press 1994
25. Cure Your Cravings Yefim Shubenstov Putnam 1998
26. Mental Health Through Will Training Abraham Low Willett Pub. 1978
But again if you feel you have some insight on how to become unaddicted to crack please share it with me. Not only will I be eternally grateful, I will tell the world and gladly give the credit where it is due.
Thank you for listening.
Regards, Larrylive
Larry, I just don't know what to tell ya. I can't really comprehend the occasional use in the throes of addiction. I drank, and I drank 24/7. But you're going to have to put money in your pocket at some point in your life for your basic needs, (not crack, of course), and I don't see how you're going to get away with out doing that. The only thing I can say is you're just going to have to put it in your head that you can't use the money to buy crack. Put $15 in your pocket if it's the #20 that throws you for a loop. Put and odd amt. like $11.50 in there. I really wish you well. I truly do. Please stay in touch.
Hi Larry,
Thank you for writing more about you, your thoughts and your life. I hear you loud and clear that you've lost just about everything that held meaning in your life, but the pipe still calls your name. All I can share is my experience. I qualified to be an alcoholic at age 13 when I took my first sip (I mean gulp). I had no time for beer or wine, went straight for the hard stuff. And then found myself smoking, sniffing or swallowing anything that was put in front of me that took away the feelings, and filled me with a false sense of security. I continued to work, graduate college and live an independently productive life to the outside world. But I was dead inside.
We all "get it" at different times. Some when they lose a relationship, job or home. I got to a point where I felt I had done everything I was here to do, did it relatively well, and had no more reason to live. I had no concept of a GOD, and somehow found myself outside one night, looking up to the stars and asking the Universe to direct me. That was 4 1/2 years ago and the beginning of facing MY truth.
It was not pretty at all, but each day got better. I realized I had to get out of my head and into my heart. I had resisted the message and program of AA for years, believing that I was ALL powerful over my actions, and had a library like yours too.
And then one day I decided to check out AA meetings to listen to how others made improvements in their life, that's all I wanted to hear. I went to meetings for a year AND didn't pick up before I became willing to get brutally, painstakingly honest with myself ~ admit my fears, pain, wrongs. The 12 steps have offered direction and solutions ~ I take what I want and leave the rest. So have other groups, prayer, meditation, physical activity, nutritional foods, being in nature, trustworthy friendships and laughter.
Only you can make the decision to make changes in your life. What I know is that for me, I was spiritually depleted, defeated and numb. I held onto that one ounce of hope and decided that I would be no good to the world if I could not learn to be good to myself. I became willing to go to any lengths to take care of me, at any costs. One day at a time, my life did improve. That I am alive today is nothing short of a miracle, and many more are presenting themselves each day that I remain clean and sober.
I believe that you are here for a reason. And even if you picked up the pipe this morning, you also decided to come check out the sober.com site ~ AND you decided to share. To me, that means you are searching for some answers.
I hope you choose to keep coming back. This group here is honest, unconditionally supportive and offers tremendous experience, strength and hope. YOU have so many un-tapped talents. I hope you choose to take the risk to put YOU first.
Jhe T.
Good Morning,
Ya what they said, oh wait they said it to me...well still, warm welcomes and acceptance are always a relief. The $15 advice is good, it has worked to some extent.When my mom was my payee if all she had was a twenty I would be sure to go to the store for a pack of smokes right away. But I started sqiurelling away money and found my self getting high every third or fourth day. Situations like this I often refer to as out foxing the fox, even if I am both the fox and the foxee. So for now I try to never have money. But as mentioned someday I should or will have to resume control of my finances. Scary thought.
Well I really must get to work, unfortunatel my laptop died and the work pc is my only access to the forums.
Be Well
Regards, Larry
Hi Larry!
Maybe you just need to work on a different schedule. Do you always go get your drugs on the same day from the same person at the same place? You should go force yourself to buy a book. Even if you don't like to read, maybe you can start a new hobby! Go buy some paints or drawing pencils. Don't call the people you buy drugs from! Is there something that makes you happy besides drugs? If so, start focusing on that for awhile!
Good Luck Larry! Keep us informed onhow you are doing!
Great to see you keep coming back Larry. I hope you read something here that resonates with you and helps guide you forrward toward the relief and sanity of a drug-free life. YOU are worth it.
JHE T.
ANN: Hi Larry! Maybe you just need to work on a different schedule. Do you always go get your drugs on the same day from the same person at the same place? You should go force yourself to buy a book. Even if you don't like to read, maybe you can start a new hobby! Go buy some paints or drawing pencils. Don't call the people you buy drugs from! Is there something that makes you happy besides drugs? If so, start focusing on that for awhile! Good Luck Larry! Keep us informed onhow you are doing! Ann
No offence, and I am probably just being my sarcastic self but I would have thought my post with the list of recovery material would have made this self evident (whether I like to read or not). As to direct deposit with checking accounts, this has not worked either. Currently I have a direct deposit to a debit card which my landlord holds, this seems to be working to some extent. I once had a job where my boss gave me a debit card that I did not know the PIN. That worked great for a while. Then I found a place where I could trade cartons of cigarettes. The boss took back the debit card upon noticing a half dozen $42 charges in one night. I eventually lost that job, due to no shows. To bad too, I had managed to repair all my debt and saved up over $1000 in the bank. That went qiuck and the debt has started again.
You know I suppose the hardest thing for me to deal with is the concept of change. When we talk about people,places and things there is really nothing in my life that would seem applicable. I don't hang with or around the drug crowd. I would much rather go to the Library, Museum or Zoo. I often go to the park to rollerblade. Or just cruise about the countryside on my bike. And as for changes in myself, this has been an area of great conflict since I started in the recovery world. You see I don't lie, cheat or steal. Don't get me wrong, I used to in my early teen years, but qiuckly realized it got me nothing but more head aches.I am also a very responsible person (when I am not using). And as such if someone were to ask me if I had been using I would admit it. (by this I am refering to my ex, my mom, my counselor etc.) I also tend to get invovled with volunteer and community based activities. So when people speak of changes I am not sure what I should be looking at changing.
I must admit I have not run into anyone else with my attitude. But they must be out there, for I can not believe I am the only one like me. All I can think is that there are alot of clean-timers who aren't honestly willing to have an open-mind. There by demanding an adherence to a program they jumble and misconstrue, and scaring away the ones who are being open and honest. So again I will ask if any one has any suggestions as to how to break this cycle of addiction, please send them my way. Or if by some chance you take offence to what I have posted, particularly if you believe the 12 steps have worked for you and you would like to make a rebuttal, please be sure to include....1) how long you have been recovered and 2) the one factor to which you attribute this to (I ask this because I read it in the Big Book and have never,ever heard any one refer to it, which I find curious. Particularly from those who preach a program of recovery which Bill W. had no access to) Actually Having just re-read this I think there are two possible ways of repling to the second question.
Thanks for listening, I hope to hear back from those truely concerned about the still sick and suffering.