The Fall and Rise of a Drug Addict:
The first time I drank alcohol I was 14 and I was with my brother Robbie. We were at a party at my brother Phil’s apartment. I walked into the living room and Robbie dared me to drink a beer. He said if I drank the beer he would let me drink a mixed drink. I ended up getting drunk that night and passed out on the living room floor. Since I loved the feeling, I continued to drink. My brother Robbie still regrets that to this day. I started out at a private high school in Alaska. My mom thought things would be better if I went to live him. He was a good influence on me. He thought if I went to public school I would use and get in trouble again. That didn't last too long. I ended up getting into a fight. This kid said a comment about me being friends with a black kid. I hit him in the chest and ran away from security. They called the cops. It was in a mall so they decided to kick me out. My godfather wasn't very impressed with me. Two months in a new school and I already get kicked out. I know it wasn't the right way to act but I was defending my friend. If someone does something to someone close to me ill do anything. Anyway I started at Service, a public high school. It was huge. I was nervous, being from a small town in Maine. Things went ok for a while. I made some new friends. I hung out with the skaters and snowboarders. I never really got into the popular crowd, I knew them and partied with them, but I felt more comfortable with the skaters. I started out smoking marijuana. I like it a lot. It helped me relax and be more social. It was an escape for me. I got into snowboarding a lot that year. It was good for me, something to do besides trying to get wasted. I still wasn't talking to my family a lot though. I missed them but never really called or anything. I regret a lot of this now. I started using again. Which was inevitable for me. My friend's houses were insane. They lived on this part of town called The Hillside. They had million dollar houses. I wasn't jealous but it would be nice. We would drink smoked weed and just chill on the weekends. They introduced me to a lot of people. It was nice. That was a good year. I had close friends and school was going good. My godfather was always working so I had the condo to myself to do what I want. I had a sense of freedom that I never had before. The next year was good. I spent the summer with my friends. Fishing on the Kenai River catching Silver, King and Red salmon. Went hiking and off roading in Girdwood. Alaska was my playground. I was no longer the new guy and my grades were good. Things looked good on the surface. I had this image of living a good life I put on. Got involved in church a lot. Working with the youth ministry. At night I was still using. Drinking a lot more then I use to. I've always been back and fourth between drugs and alcohol. It never really mattered to me along as I had something to use. I met one of my good friends, Sam that year. He lived next door so we hung out a lot. I went there more to see his sister but we chilled a lot. We snowboarded a lot. I introduced him to weed. I didn’t really want to smoke alone so I convinced him to smoke. He helped me with school and I helped him with the negative stuff in life. Still feel bad for that but he’s doing well now. Things went pretty much the same when I was a junior. Still drinking a lot and hanging out with different girls a lot. Relationships never lasted long for me in high school. I was always busy running around. I got my driver’s license that year. My godfather helped me get and Oldsmobile Cutlass. I had a lot more freedom. I didn’t have to bum rides off friends and I could get more done. I was starting to do worse in school. I spent more time hanging out then anything. I got introduced to cocaine that year. I met my cousin’s boyfriend Chris and we started chilling. I'd go to there house and drink and smoke. I tired acid, mushrooms, and ecstasy with them. I had someone to buy me alcohol and a place to drink. They took me to a lot of parties and introduced me to a lot of girls. One night Chris called me and asked me if I could use my godfather’s blazer and take him somewhere. I said sure. They did a lot for me. We ended up going to this broke down trailer. On the way he told me we were going to pick something up for his friend. Anyway we got there drank and talked for a while. The guy pulled out a mirror and Chris did a few lines. Then offered me some. They said it would help me wake up. I had to drive a lot so I did it. I fell in love right away. I loved everything about it. I had something that could keep me going. It helped me in school, work, and helped me keep up with my friends. I started using it a lot but I couldn't afford it with my job. I needed a way to support my habit so I started running for my cousin’s boyfriend. All I had to do was pickup a package and deliver. Eventually I started selling. That didn't last long. I hated dealing with the people and risks. I used too much to deal with everything. I went back to my job at a tire factory and slowed down on the drugs. The next year was the last one I spent in Alaska. I was still in school. Grades were better that year. I started focusing again. I did a lot of fishing again. I wish I had spent more time doing that. I got in trouble a lot at school though. A friend of mine got me into pills. We would use Xanax, Klonopin and Oxycontin. We would snort them in the bathroom. Then drink outside at lunch. I remember one time tripping on clorocidine in the hallway. I was beyond high. I couldn't see straight, think or walk. My friend got sick and puked in the hall so we got caught. I got suspended. The only reason why I wasn’t expelled is because it was my senior year. Things started going down after that. My friend Rob got kicked out of his house and we let him live with us. He was a good friend but also an addict like me. He smoked weed and I drank most of the time. Last on we started using coke. I tried not going back to it but gave in. My neighbor was a dealer so we had 24-hour access. We ended up trashing the car several times. I tried coming up with some b.s story but my godfather knew every time. I remember one time we found about $3,000 in savings bonds from my Godfather's dresser. We cashed them in and went on a week high. We got a hotel, a bunch of liquor and coke and called some friends. I'm surprised I lived through that. My godfather was hurt after that. We talked to we decided it was best if I moved back to Maine after I graduate or join the military. I took the ASVAB test for the Army and passed but wanted to be with my family so I decided to go back at the end of the year. A month before I was supposed to graduate my godfather took a trip to Hawaii. I stayed back so I could finish school. He was gone for two weeks. I went a day then stayed home. My friend Rob and I threw a party. We had about fifty people in a two-bedroom condo. I ended up using coke, drinking, and using some pills my godfather was taking for a disease he had. I got wasted too fast. I almost killed myself. I found a gun in the closet. I thought my girlfriend at the time was cheating on me with one of my friends. I was drunk so I wasn't listening to anyone. I drank anything I could find. My friend grabbed it from me and took my keys to my car. I finally calmed down and talked to her in my room. I left my friend in charge of the party. My girlfriend and I ended up sleeping together that night. I was so gone that night I barley remembered. She ended up breaking up with me two days later. One of many breakups in my life. That was the first time I fell in love. I ended up getting kicked out of school for attendance. I moved after that. I have a lot of guilt and shame for all of the stuff I put my godfather threw. Someday I hope I can pay him back for this. I was back in Maine again. I was 18, didn’t finish school, and had little money and no idea what I was going to do with my life. I ended up trying heroin for the first time with a friend I met through my older brother. We also did coke a lot. My oldest brother Phil let me move in his apartment. It was small but I didn’t care. My other brother crashed in the other room sometimes when he needed a place to get high or take a girl. I was happy to be with my family again but I had no idea what I was going to do. My mother was still with my stepfather so I didn’t see her a lot. My addiction was still in motion. The first night my mother’s friend asked if I wanted to smoke a bowl on the way home from the airport but I didn’t because I had to see my mom. Robbie gave me a half-gallon of vodka the first night and I drank it all. They thought it was funny, their little brother out drinking them. I got sick as a dog the next day. After a few days of recovering Phil helped me get a job at Friendly's as a line cook. Both of them worked there. It went ok for a while. I started cooking better and handling more responsibilities. We all still got wasted at night though. I drank and smoked; they used pills and smoked. I could handle it then. Stay up all night and work all day. But eventually as everything else in my life things went bad. Both of my brothers got fired. Robbie for stealing and Phil for not showing up. So I was left alone to run the kitchen. All I knew what was they taught me. But I figured it out. I kept using to keep up with the work. The more I was partying the more I was late to work. I guess I wasn’t ready to change. I came in one morning after a rough night and was asked if I could leave early to go to a concert. They sat me down and gave me all these reasons why they were letting me go. I was late, looked like I was high all the time, and was screwing up orders. I was unemployed yet again. I would ask my godfather for money. I told him it was for rent but it never went to it. I tried finding work but couldn’t get anything. So the rest of the year was spent bumming money and sitting on the couch wasting away. I eventually got another job as a cook at Governor’s. I did well for a while. I was the head breakfast cook and worked the banquets. I enjoyed being in the kitchen cooking. It’s one of the positive things in my life that I was good at. At work I was a different person. I put everything I had in it and cared. Most things in my life at the time I failed at. But I ended up screwing that up. I woke up last one morning. I went out with some people I met and ended up in some strange girl’s apartment. I didn’t know where I was or who the people were. I called work to tell them I was going to be late and they said don’t bother. So yet again I was unemployed. Something that has been a pattern in my past but that will change. After that I started using coke again. I hadn’t used since I was in Alaska. I walked in my brother’s room one night and saw him smoking it. I’ve done it before but not like that. I tried it and liked the feeling. All I wanted was more and more though. I was back to my old ways again. I was drinking, using and unemployed. My godfather was supporting me again. The money went to my addiction so the rent wasn’t getting paid again. My brother Phil had started taking methadone to help with his addiction. Things changed a lot after that. He spent a lot of time in his room sleeping. I spent my time drinking, using, and hanging out with friends in the rest of the apartment. I didn’t always have money to use so they would help me out if they could hang out there. That went on for a few months. My brother and I ended up getting evicted. My neighbor who I used with let us move in next door. That was a little dysfunctional. Three addicts living in a one-bedroom apartment. Plus other people who would stop by and end up staying over. I eventually got a job at another restaurant. Things were good. I worked a lot of hours so I didn’t have to deal with whatever was going on at the house. I started training to be a manager. My roommate’s were getting more and more into coke. I would come home and they were using. I would only drink but after a while I would do it too. The same thing was happening. I was working but the money would go to drugs. Again I lost another job. I went back to wasting my life at home using. My depression was also getting worse at this point. I think I did it to myself though. That year I met my child’s mother. Things completely changed after that. We drank and used together. I thought life was good. I found another job and had a good relationship. I never met someone like her. I knew her when I was a kid but hadn’t since her since. We thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. After a month she got pregnant. I was full of joy. It’s what we wanted. I told him I would stop using, work more, and go to school. We moved after that. We had to share her mother’s apartment while we were saving for our own place. It was good to have her there while I was working. I worked at Governor's and would be gone most of the day. I have a lot of guilt for not being there during her pregnancy. I started using before and after work. I would snort xanex, kolotopin and adderal in the morning to deal with hangovers and drink at night before I went home. Most of the time when I got there she was sleeping. So we didn’t really spend much time together. I hated that. But I had to work to support her. I don’t regret it, it just sucked. As time went on we started to drift apart. We weren’t as close as we were before this made me use more. I know it sounds wrong but I used because my relationships we going bad and the reason why they were are because I was using. All she wanted was me to stop and I couldn’t. I regret this. She couldn’t do it anymore. The stress was too much so she moved out and lived with her uncle. I stayed at the apartment for a couple more weeks. I started drinking with her mom and her boyfriend. It was too weird for me to live there so I moved out and went back to live with my old roommate. We moved. The landlord said he would give us a second chance. I tried being there for Brandy as much as I could. Going to doctors, shopping and just talking. I think we were better now that we weren’t together. It was not a little dysfunctional though. We would sleep together but weren’t together. Anyway. My daughter Kamryn was born September 29, 2007. Brandy had a C-section so she called me the next day. I ran out of work and went to the hospital when she called. That was the best day of my life. I remember holding her and knowing that things would be ok. I wanted to do everything for her. I didn’t want her to feel the pain or hurt that I have. I had an argument with Brandy and her mom in the hospital. I told them I didn’t want to talk about this then. It was ruining things. They accused of me being high and I told them to give me a test. There was always drama with Brandy. That hurt a lot then though all I wanted was to spend that time with Kamryn. After Kamryn was born I started changing my life. All I did was work. When I wasn’t working I was spending time with her. I didn't use at that time. I didn’t want to miss her life. I grew up without a father and know what it was like. That’s how the rest of the year went. Spending it with my daughter every chance I could. As usual things went well for a while then went down. Brandy kept giving me excused why I wouldn’t see Kamryn. She was too busy. I started working less and drinking more. There were always people over when I got home from work using so it was hard for me to stay sober. I was the only one working so money was tight. I gave Brandy most of it and whatever was left over went to drugs and cigarettes. I was cook and half the time I didn’t eat because I spent my money. That’s the worst I’ve ever lived. The apartment was trashed and there was never any food in the house. I lost my job again. My boss knew what I was doing and told me to go home and come back when I can stay sober.
Hi Lance!
Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us! I wasn't able to read it until today. I hope that you are doing well and have met a couple of sober people to help you along your way. You are worth all the time and effort that you put into yourself!
Keep coming back!
Ann
Hey Lancre, welcome to the site. What a read you posted. I wish you all the best on your new life. It's worth it and as Ann stated, YOU'RE worth it.
today is the next step in the journey......paw