My son is 37 years old and has been in prison for the past 3 years. He is about to be paroled and wants to come to our house(his parents) to get a fresh start.
The problem is that I do not want any responsibility for him. I have vivid memories of what life was like before he went to prison with him on drugs, the lying, stealing, the worrying....and having to be on my guard all of the time. Our lives have been peaceful since he has been locked up and I do not want to take a chance and go back to that previous place.
I don't know where else he can go. I do not know how to find places that take in people such as him. He has the offer of a job from someone my husband knows. And there are no secrets there, the guy knows that he is a recovering addict and is being released from prison.
How do I find a place for him? Are there state/private places where he can stay and pay? I do not want to or have the financial means to support him for any length of time.
The other problem is that his Dad told him he could come here and stay, and now realizes that for the mistake it was, I never committed to him, because I was not really sure how I felt about it. But his Dad plunged in and now we have to undo that and his release can come at any moment, was supposed to be before Christmas.
On top of all of that, are slight guilt feelings about not letting him come home.
Has anyone else been in this kind of situation before?
My Son is a smooth talker and has assured me he has changed, and in some ways I believe him, but it is easy to think you are going to live your life one way when you have no choices, what happens when you get out and do have choices? The choices have always been the problem for him, and as good as his intentions are now, I know that he could fail and based on statistics, probably will.
Hi there!
It is a little weird that you said he could come home and now he can't. Go ahead, wait just kidding you can't come home. How would that make you feel? Like even though he is trying you won't give him a chance. I just had this discussion with someone, either give the person a chance or move on. Don't play games with people, and don't tell people you gave him a chance either. A lot of people have to do what their neighbors and friends tell them. They need to be socially acceptable. I got sober at my parents house. I never stole anything or damaged anything. I did have a job. People can do it. If he does steal kick him out. It is your choice.
Good luck with your decision!
Ann
I know, it does sound terrible. But, unless you have walked a mile....
Seriously, as selfish as it sounds, I just don't have it in me to have the little daily battles that could come with him living at home.
And, the choice is mine, not friends or family. Considering that he has burned all of the aforementioned, no one else would step up either. I do feel somewhat guilty, but the reality of it is that no matter how good he makes things sound now, he is locked up and cannot sound any other way, and I have been in this position with him before. I can't go there again, for my own well being. and I would NEVER tell anyone that I did anything that I did not.
Thank you for your insight, and God Bless!
today is the next step in the journey......paw
Yes, everyone deserves a second chance, but at who's expense. And it is not a second but a third or fourth.
Not really sure what I expected in this forum. But guess it was wrong to post here. The deal is, no one in here really knows our complete story, but each person has their own story. My advice to anyone and especially to myself, is to do what is right for me, as each of us should do. Because at the end of the day, we are the one left standing to deal with whatever comes from our decisions.
Angry huh?
Yes, I would like to know what you were thinking as well! Why did you come to a free website and get free advice when you did not mention this is his third of fourth time. Are we psychic? Why did you come on here to write something and then turn around and tell us how crappy our advice is. Ya know what, who cares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sick of talking to you people! I don't get paid to do this. I have my own life to live. No one does know your story. No one knows my story. Don't go acting like your better than everyone else!
I would like to see you people come on here everyday and try to help people. Come on here without getting paid. Even if you are having a crappy day or a Dad that is sick, children in school, sports activities to go to. A life of your own to live.
Wow, Ann! You are sure angry. I am sorry if I offended you. And no, no one is better than me, believe me, we all have our own stories, heartaches, etc.
My reason for posting on this forum was to ask about how to find halfway houses, or another safe environment for him to live in, because I have no experience with that kind of thing. And because there is an urgency to it, hence the talk about whether he can come into my home or not. I never told him he could, his Dad did, not realizing that I had not committed anything.
Yes, I do feel guilty, because he is my Son. That being said, he has taken advantage of those feelings in the past and I have paid a mental price for it. That is why he cannot come home, into my house when he is released.
I do not want to see him fail, quite the contrary, I want him to succeed. But he has to do it, I cannot do it for him and frankly I think if you want something bad enough, you will succeed. You just have to be strong and stay focused.
Make no mistake, I love my Son. I will give him love and encouragement. But, he is an adult and I stopped owing him a long time ago, that is something I have learned in my therapy sessions. I have always had a nurturing, want to please you nature. It has caused me a lot of heartache and I am begining to learn that if you act as a doormat, you get treated as one. So, while I love and encourage, I do not have to provide support, or put my own life at risk.
People come into forums such as this and post and yes, no one here is a mind reader, so what you get here is the surface of every problem. Not the layers upon layers. So you get a surface answer because the good folks listening and responding have not walked in your steps, neither have you in theirs. But we are all still here, reaching out in some way.
I am sorry if I have offended anyone, that was not my intention. I just really thought that someone would have some suggestions.
Go to the Directory. Look under halfway house or sober living or affordable Treatment or mens treatment. Pick a state, pick a city. It will give you everthing that is listed on this site. Has contact numbers to call. I can't help you more because you never mentioned a state or city. I would look for free or affordable if this is his 4th time. Also check your local Salvation Army or a church.
Thank you Ann. I will do that.
We are in Georgia, near Atlanta.