Hello all,
I see there are more and more people joining this group all the time. I read a lot of submissions and keep abreast of what’s happening. I am keeping clean and enjoying life more all the time, soon I’ll be nine months sober!
I wanted to ask the advice of all who will give it on a different matter. A couple I know have a 26 year old son with a crack problem. He lived500 miles away when he first got addicted and spent some time in jail and then went through rehab. He even joined a church and found some great help and friendship from the people there but he went back to coke leaving them all behind. He will stay clean for short periods and then he’s off “on a run” as his father calls it. He shows up a few days later broke, beat up, and is putting his parents through hell, as he lives with them. His parents know he should be out of the house, but they are struggling with putting their only child on the street.
His mom at least has some friends to unload on, but his father is a very private person whom I have to pry information out of, he doesn’t want to put a burden on me. I personally think this young man should be out where he can have severe consequences for his habit. However, I am not a parent and can only imagine how hard that must be to do. I think MikeF had to do something like that and I would appreciate his input.
I may have the father leaning towards going to see my addictions counsellor, but he is apprehensive. I know there are no easy answers, but I would really appreciate any input.
Thanks,
MichaelJ
today is the next step in the journey......paw
Hello Michael! congratulations on your journey 'sober into a new way to live'!!!awesome,by God's grace.I am an active member of Narcotics Anonymous and Naranon and also an alcoholic in recovery for almost 26 years ,only by God's grace and mercy.The only reason I say this is no matter what, "clean time don't equal recovery"It is a daily effort to stay vigilante and do some work.There are many ways to reach sobriety ,recovery etc but I have only seen complete abstinence from the drug of your choice reap the most rewards,a life free and clean and sober from all mind altering ,mood changing substances(drugs,alcohol is a drug!)I say that to say this, though I was able to reach for help,give myself over to the care of a higher power greater than myself for my own addiction ,when it came to my 24 year old son, a now relapsed Heroin abuser,my co-dependance was as totally addicting as my own drug addiction.Through Naranon,I learned some great tools on detachment,how to set boundaries(that I would keep)and how to let go and let the same Higher Power THAT GUIDES MY LIFE ,TAKE OVER THE CARE OF MY SON.Learning about enabling behaviors from a different perspective as a parent .although knowing about those behaviors for my 25 years of addiction gave me a better understanding of how to approach certain areas.Now don't get me wrong,we have made many mistakes in our journey together(my wife and I) BUT EACH DECISION WE MADE ,WE DID IT TOGETHER,IN PRAYER AND FAITH THAT IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.Yes we did have to put our son on the street at 90 pounds,a tremendous habit and a life that was wreaking havoc everywhere(thats what addicts do,they use,drink, whatever)He did get arrested go to jail and began recovery.But part of many addicts story is RELAPSE.My son just relapsed again,stole money from a charge card from us and took our wedding bands and wifes diamond rings ,all of which he denied(addicts lie ruthlessly)We have reached the culmination of our contact with our son,to where we told him we no longer want to see or know what he is doing.He is on his own(really on his own ,no contact what so ever this time)and we can only pray for his total surrender to the disease that is keeping him hostage.We must forgive,but it doesn;t mean we will continue as it was.We pray now that our hearts do not get hardened to the point of no return,We truly believe ,the God of our understanding won't allow that to happen,our hearts are saddened but life goes on and so are we ,in God's grace.The addict must be able to fall on his own,walk in the dark valley,allow the disease to bring him to the point of wanting recovery,when the pain outweighs the pleasure.No one can bring him there,but himself. We in recovery are aware of that.We drew up boundaries,a contract we made him sign and if anything on it was violated he was told he would have to leave.We had very few things on the list but everything we had we knew we must enforce or it would be worthless..After many years of his constant recovery and relapse we have reached the stage of total abstinence from him as our only option.we love him unconditionally,forgive him but hold him responsible.Only actions,no more words will begin to show his recovery and that we take one day at a time...Be careful in the situation Michael.as much as we want to help,do the right thing(our expectations,) it still all revolves around the addict,his choice to choose life or eventually jails ,institutions or death.Always keep your recovery first also Michael,we are all only one bad decision away from a return to a life of pain and devastation.Sorry for diatribe,but it also frees me to be able to share my heart and pray for another sick and suffering addict and family of Addiction is a family disease,it wreaks havoc in areas we may not even know/ Let us know how it goes and I will keep all lifted up in prayer.PEACE.......
MIKE F
Thanks Paw and Mike,
Thank you for your quick and heartfelt replies, I have forwarded all 3 of our letters to the parents. I pray that they will feel the need to go and be with people who are in the same rocking, swaying boat.
Thank you for your concerns with my recovery, and yes, I call it recovery even though I don’t attend AA. I seek the counsel of wise people who are in the addiction business and am doing better every day. I can appreciate the thoughts that I am only one drink away from disaster and have safeguards in place. I now find myself thinking of sitting down by a river reading a book just by myself, whereas before it wouldn’t have been considered without alcohol and to hell with the book. All the triggers that I had before don’t even fizz on me ( family fights, Fridays, alone) I actually like reality now.
Mike, I am glad you wrote what you were feeling, it’s cathartic for you and enriching for me. It’s nice to have an online family who understands addiction and are always there for you. I hope you realize my sincerity when I say I am here for any of you also.
If anyone else would like to weigh in on this problem or any others, we are here to listen.
Thanks again,
Michael J
Hi Michael!
I like what Mike said:
"Be careful in the situation Michael.as much as we want to help,do the right thing(our expectations,) it still all revolves around the addict,his choice to choose life or eventually jails ,institutions or death.Always keep your recovery first "
Be careful! If the person has done this before, the parents should know what to do. If the parents are reluctant to give you information, there is a reason! There is a reason for everything! We might not know the reason for the son to be at home. Is someone dying or sick? Is someone disabled and needs help at home? Does the son have a child you may not know about? Is the person unable to get a job for some reason? The fact is that we never know everyone's secrets! We can be so quick to label someone a loser without knowing all the facts. Quick to hurt someones feelings or upset the family. Don't pry to hard.
You can lead someone to a meeting and give them some helpful information, but sometimes we need to leave it at that! Helpful, but not hurtful!
Keep coming back!
Ann
Hi Ann,
Maybe I didn't articulate properly, there are no secrets here, they have been my best friends for 22 years. I have talked to the son plenty of times about my addiction and his. He even went to the doctor on my advice and got a prescription for Antabuse, as he always had a runaway after a couple of beers. The mom has no problem sharing with me or other friends. The problem is my friend is used to being the one who helps and has a hard time with the shoe on the other foot, he doesn't want to burden me as I have my own difficulties. As I have known him so well and for so long I can see it is tearing him up inside. That is why I came here, as I am not a parent and as a best friend I have to do something.
Hi back!
Since you want to help so badly, do it! Why don't you take the son to a meeting? Be the son's mentor/friend. Sometimes we need people other than our family members to help us! Good luck Michael.
Actually, I tried that, I offered to talk with him at any time he wanted day or night. He agreed to go to meetings with me, but made an excuse every time I called him and I called him a lot. His father, after reading last night's posts, has given him an ultimatum: follow it or leave the house, we will see what happens.
Thanks
An update on my friends: They told their son he has to leave if he wont accept any help, he refused, so he is out of the house. That must be so difficult to do for any of you that have had to, I can only imagine.
There were no harsh words, have a shower and something to eat then you have to leave.
They are all in my prayers, thanks everyone for your help.
Good luck to all involved!
Peace be with you!