Hello again everyone,
To those of you who remember me, I was struggling along, sober, drunk, back and forth. I finally have some positive news to report. I have been over four months clean and sober! I still have bouts of depression but this being real isn't near as bad as I thought it would be. I want to thank all of you who were here for me when I was really struggling, it made a big difference. I have been to many sites like this, but the people here make this my favorite.
God Bless, Michael
Hey Michael welcome home!! way to go man,4 months ,tell me that aint a miracle hey!Yes we missed you but we always leave the light on.Peace my friend,keep coming back let us know how you are doing!!
MIKE F
today is the next step in the journey......paw
Just thought I would share one of those days...
Why I Used To Drink
I started the day out trying to get a drink of water from a 5 gallon jug – The pump wouldn’t work.
I started the day early as my head itched so bad that I couldn’t sleep, so I got up and tried to rearrange this broom closet I live in. It doesn’t matter which way you turn you always knock something over. The itchy head stops as soon as I get out of bed.
I decided then to put up a shelf to place the printer on, it turned out that I needed molly screws which I have at Shayne’s. The major problem with that is I don’t have enough gas to get there, back, and to work on Monday.
I’m just about out of dog food and rabbit feed, but have no money.
I decide to put up shelf without molly screws, battery on high powered drill goes dead after one screw, can’t find charger.
Not grasping that the day isn’t going well, I turn my attentions to computers, and my nemesis… Windows.
I installed a sound card in Lenovo computer, it didn’t work.
Tried to hook up TV/PC monitor, computer tells me that it can’t display this resolution of video which it did previously with no problem. Re-hooked up old display.
Tried to hook up another computer, it says I need to activate Windows, which was fully operational on this machine 2 months ago. However, I can’t activate Windows as I can’t install internet card to connect to Microsoft without Windows. I could call Microsoft and activate over the phone, but the phone won’t work in this broom closet I live in. Okay, nix that plan.
I now try to restart Lenovo, the one with 6 gigabytes of RAM. I try 7 separate times, it stays stalled on POST screen, won’t load. I then unplug the *** and go for a walkabout outside, trying to not lose my volatile temper and smash everything.
Hook up computer # 3, it loads but can’t see the fonts very well and the sound cuts in and out.
Okay laptop, it’s you that is going to save the day. It starts well and seems fully operational until I plug in the hot swappable external drive which has worked on all other computers. The computer says it can`t recognize USB device, try to plug it in again and if it still does not work replace it. Thanks for the wisdom, Windows.
I feed my beloved dog Bandit, my steak, he`ll be okay for awhile.
There is no sense telling anyone about my computer crises, as nobody cares except for my friend, Lisa who isn`t home now, so I am writing this out for therapeutic reasons.
After all is said and done, I restart Lenovo which loads fine and is the computer I am typing this on.
Go figure.
I cracked a beer
Hey Michael! thanks for identification...I used to make up things that were torqueing me out so I could pick up some type of mind altering mood changing chemical,Then I would say to myself>>ahh thats better,I just needed to relax(for the first hour)could be a day or a week later when I would come to somewhere and try and figure "what set me off this time..Funny it wasn;t the :specific thing" it was my addiction,,,hmmm ,only took me 25 years to realize that conclusion and only by the grace of God ,who had another plan for me,no matter how hard I tried to fight it!!Welcome again today Michael,to the next day of a "new way of living.Im sure I'll be torqued about something here or there during my next 24 ,but i'll just 'HAND IT OVER,BACK WAY UP>.AND count my blessings......yessir 'GRATEFUL DEAD said it well..what a long strange trip its been!!!Find someone today,anyone,scare a stranger and give them a hug or do something only you and God know about for someone and watch the blessings come back.......(BE CAREFUL HUGGING A STRANGER THOUGH!!!!!! some may think your a little weird,,oh well God knows who you are.... :)
Hello Michael!
We are glad you stopped back in to update us! Hope you are doing okay. Have a good weekend!
Keep coming back!
Ann
Hey Michael!
Where are you from?
Congrats on the sober time. Keep yourself active and before long you will be at a year. Don't sit around too much. Like they say, idle hands are the devil's playground. Keep checkups on yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually. Remain in the company of those who will encourage you, and those that want the best for you. Try to attend meetings as much as possible.
We are here for you,
Clint
Living a happy, joyous, and free life by embracing the mind, body, and spirit.
Hello again,
Thanks for all your support once again. I am from northern British Columbia. Just so you all know, the story about the computers is more than four months old, my last drink was November 26/09. I have found that going to meetings in this town is not for me, they are all just war stories and I have enough of my own.
I guess I am a strange duck, I like being around people, but I also like being alone.
My circumstances of rock bottom were as follows: I had been drinking for about 3 days with very little food and I am diabetic with heart problems. I had a bad nosebleed that I couldn't stop, so I just decided to let it go, if God thought it was my time so be it. I woke up several hours later drenched in blood and rather weak, but I survived. Now every time I think about drinking I play that little tape in my head which effectively quashes any desire to be in that position again.
Never say never, but I haven't had a bad craving since. I am still battling a depression as I am trying to come off 60 mg daily of Mirtazapene with my doctor's approval.
Any thoughts, my friends?
Michael
tHANKS FOR LETTING US GET TO KNOW YOU A LITTLE BETTER,mICHAEL. cONTINUE PLAYING THAT TAPE,and keep coming back let us know whats going on.We are all survivors of the"war" and are here to help each other win the "battle of the day".....Stay in tuned with your doctor for medical advise....talk to you on the rebound!!!
Hey there,
British Columbia is a beautiful place! What is the weather like this time of year? I believe when I went it was in August and it was still a bit cold (I am from Texas).
I would recommend continuing in AA, at least until you hit a year of sobriety. Like PAW said, there are other options. I believe AA to be the best, especially in the beginning. A lot of times we need a lot of support, and AA definitely has that to offer us. It's good to learn the principles, the steps, and to read the readings, as all of it will help you through life.
I would make sure you have a doctor that understands addiction, so that the best medication can be used. A lot of times medication can be substituted for our addiction, so it's important that everything is out in the open. Recently I had to get on some medication to help me sleep when I went to visit my brother who lives abroad. The doctor was very stingy about what she would give me. She insisted that it was all too easy for me to relapse if she prescribed too much. Just keep that in mind. As long as your doctor understands addiction, you will be fine!
Keep coming back,
I'm not big on taking pills and medications. I don't really believe in them. A lot of them are habit forming or contain alcohol. I can't help you there.
I don't believe any one becomes 100% better. It is something we are always working on. Depression doesn't just disappear. If you want to be better, you need to think better. Have a more positive outlook on things. Wake up in the morning and tell yourself you are going to have a good day today. When people ask you how you are you tell them, I am doing good today. The more positive you are, the more people will like being around you. Work on one day at a time. Talk to people when you are feeling sad or having a problem, ask for help and attend meetings for support. Get phone numbers so you have people to call, get a sponsor. Take up a hobby like drawing, reading, swimming, walking,biking, rollerblading,painting.......something to keep you busy!
I first will answer the question from Clint. It is still cool here, freezing or a few degrees up or down. I used to like winter but now I seem to hate the season more every year.
I must also say that AA does not seem to be the place for me. I did go about 12 times, but all I ever wanted to do was repeat my drunken behaviour after every meeting. I felt that I needed to know how the other members stopped drinking, not just war stories. I realize that I could have brought that up at a meeting but I neglected to do that.
My major foray into alcohol began after I was diagnosed with health problems that kept me away from work, for just about 2 years. As one of you said, “idle hands.” I got at it with both those hands, hell bent on destroying myself and very nearly succeeding. Just in the last 2 weeks I have finally gotten my diabetes under control, not to mention my blood pressure. Last week is the best I felt in over 3 years, which just gives me another reason to stay away from alcohol.
I realize I can never say never, but I like feeling real everyday and not having to schedule my life around drinking, it makes it a whole lot easier.
To those newcomers who are feeling hopelessly trapped in their addiction, there is a better life. I was down as far as you could go, I went bankrupt, lost my home, the whole nine yards. I am starting over at 50, but I’d rather be here than where I was. Thanks for your support everyone.
Hey Michael! good seeing you.I just thought I would share this with you.When I surrendered in dec of" 84 I went very sporatically to meetings and actually thought that "those people" were more messed up than PEOPLE WHO WERE USING.Condescending,couldn't do this,couldn't do that ,I hate when you tell me I cant,cause then I want to.For 23 years,I stayed free and clean/sober from all mind altering mood changing substances by the grace of God first,and changing my thought patterns and lifestyle,sporatic attendance NA/AA(different groups of people,runners,martial artists,church people etc)Though I remained abstinent I found my life was still a mess,character defects running riot,self centeredness,you name it.When my 23 year old son starting using heroin at around 17(HE'S 23 NOW) and devasted our world(my family) for almost 5 years I was on brink of something again(not sure IF I WANTED TO USE BUT i CERTAINLT NEEDED A LOT OF HELP.When it finally dawned on me that I not only was a drug addict and and alcoholic(we do not separate the two as it distorts the message alcohol is a drug)that I suffered from addiction and it manifested itself in all areasof my life thats what was eating me from the inside.I came back into the rooms and "started working the program" and more importantly spend my recovery(now Im in recovery,even though been clean for almost 26 years)giving back what I was so freely given.This disease will fool you into complacency and "just hanG out and wait!! I definitely wish you well,know the feeling of the "war stories' scenario but urge you to think about your move forward,even if only to reach out to the still sick and suffering.Recovery is light years from abstinence,remember this is my stuff and I only suggest and do not give advice.Go with God my friend,good to see you posting have a blessed day!!