My ex-boyfriend who is now almost 1 1/2 years sober has gotten into a new relationship and I am devastated. We were together for 6 years and we was a destrucutve, physically abusive, emotionally abusive man. I left him 6 months after rehabe because I learned of an affair he was having while he was drinking. He decided to move to where I moved into, literally following me. I kept him in my life, as we both have pets we care deeply about and take turns taking care of them. However, today I foudn out he's seeing someone and I can't imagine that he's in any kind of place to get into a new relationship. Of course I still love him, but don't want to get involved with him again. No one deserves to be hit, and after I literally saved his life when he tried to commit suicide, i figured he'd take sometime to learn how to be a person again before getting into a new relationship. Of course I'm jealous and angry that he could get involved with someone less than a year from when we broke up from a very serious, long relationship. What do other recovering alocoholics have to say about getting into a new relationship? I'm pretty sure it's someone he met at a meeting. Are meetings really a place where you should be going to pick up girls?
Thanks for any help in advance.
today is the next step in the journey......paw
Hi Paw -
Thanks for your response. You know me too well already! I have gotten very involved in teams, friends, etc and it's not that I want him anymore, it's that I don't think he deserves to have anyone after the damaged he caused to me. It's selfish, I know, and something I have to get past. I do see a therapist and it helps, but having him around as much as he is (I don't know if I said in my earlier post), as he moved to my new apartment complex after I left. It just seems like a slap in the face that he could move on so quickly - I'm not ready for a new realitionship yet and there's no way he is with all of the issues he cetainly has to sort out. It's not fair that he doesn't seem to have have to go throught he same emotional pains I do, because I don't think he can feel emotions yet? With only being sober almost 1.5 years and from being a heavy alcoholic for 15 years, and his past of being physically abusive and verbally abusive that thinks he is ready. He's just depending on other people and he's going to hurt more people rather than learn to be on his own, alone, learning how to deal with things. Ugh. Sorry venting. Thanks again though!
Hello!
I don't think it is healthy for you to worry about him now that your relationship is over. I think PAW is right, you need to move on. If he wasn't good to you, find someone better! If your not ready for a relationship, hang out with friends to take your mind off of him. I would just let things be for now. I made amends with someone important to me after not talking to each other for three years.
He needs to take care of himself. He knows that. Relationships are not recommended the first year. Meetings aren't good places to pick someone up. You need to take care of you! You are worth it. Be happy and enjoy your life! Maybe someday the two of you will make amends. If you ever want to talk to us, we are here.
Keep coming back!
Ann
Thank you Ann! All of this is very helpful. You brought up the topic of amends. He claims he made amends with me, and I beg to differ. How did I know he was making amends to me? He didn't sit down with me and say "As a part of my recovery I am reaching out to make amends to you now". He wrote me a really short, general email to say he was sorry, but never said what he was sorry for. Unfortunately the word "sorry" lost it's luster a long time ago. And amends aren't about saying you're sorry, right? I think he took the easy street and skipped me, the person he hurt the worst.
I've tried dating but I've run into some snags that get my feathers ruffled and I am not comfortable with it now. I have a really hard time trusting people now and opening up. It's not fair to someone else to have to deal with my baggage, so I really want to make sure I'm in the right mind when I do. So yes, that does leave me lonely, and I miss his hugs and kisses. So that's why I'm sad that he's giving them to someone else now. :(
Making an amends to me, is about saying your sorry. It is also about repairing the damage you done and telling people you know you were wrong. I personally don't tell people sorry unless I mean it. Otherwise sorry is just another word. I know one year into my sobriety, I wasn't ready to say sorry. It also says you shouldn't make amends when doing so would hurt you or the other person. That is why I think the two of you need time apart.
Take up an activity like reading or drawing, painting, hiking, skiing, etc...
Hello,
I remember your posts well. The girls on site gave you some good advice. You need to let go of this. Like ANN said, it isn't healthy for you to be so involved in this. In most cases addiction does not limit itself to the addict, but those who are involved with him or her. During this time, you should try to recover by focusing on yourself and your life, and do not worry about his. You might try to get involved in a local meeting for Al-Anon. Remember its all for the best, and ultimately you will be helping yourself out and you will enjoy the person you have become. All my best, Clint
Living a happy, joyous, and free life by embracing the mind, body, and spirit.