I hate this

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Allimar6 Posted: Mon, Nov 23 2009 7:23 PM

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I hate heroin. I hate it, i hate it, i hate it! I know it sounds childish, but I just want to scream and sob about all this crap. My husband is in rehab and hopefully doing his best, and I am here just as long as he is there... I'm so stressed. I can's sleep anymore, I'm extremely tired, but my mind races at night... it's impossible. Everyone I talk to and everything i look up seems to have similar results... heroin is one of the most addicting drugs ever and likelyhood of relapse is very common... point blank. My brother is a police officer, and still supportive, but says relapse is very common. I dont want this. I love my husband and even leaving him wouldnt take this away because I truely fell in love with my soul mate, I know it. I am so upset that my love will struggle forever it seems. I want to wake up from this nightmare.

The thought of relapse scares me so much because I know him and if he works so hard at this treatment only to use again, somewheres down the line he will beat himself up for it, saying he knew he wasn't strong enough for this and then he'll never try treatment again. And then I'll loose him forever. I need him, his daughters need their daddy.

Please someone tell me it's not as bad as it seems and he can stay sober forever and not have to think about it everyday for the rest of his life.

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paw replied on Mon, Nov 23 2009 10:06 PM

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Ok, step back and take a couple of deep breaths.  First of all, you've got to quit looking into the future and wondering about the  "what if's".  

The deal is this, it's different for each person, although the feelings and emotions are all the same.  For a lot of people it works the first time and they never look back.  Others may relapse once and then they realize it's not the same anymore because they've gotten a taste of sobriety.  And then there are those that either don't want or can't get recovery.  

I don't want to burst a bubble, but I knew a guy that had 12 years sober, went out one night drank,  got a DWI and hasn't quit drinking.  He lost his wife, family, a government job, his home and himself.  He's been out there for over 10 yrs and won't give it up.  People say they really feel sorry for him.  I look at it that he KNOWS what the good life is and chooses to stay with the bottle.  

There are other people I know that went to meetings while on probation and still drank.  Worked around the court system every week for random pee tests.  And still others I know, will tell you that they are alcoholic and yet can go out to dinner or a bar, drink one drink and come home.  

I can't do that.  I can't drink responsibly.  As they say, "One is too many and a thousand's not enough."

I'm off point, and getting long here.  You have to get to a support group or  meeting for some face to face talk.  You can't do this alone any more than he can.  Knowledge is powerful, but you have to know what to do with it.  Please look into it.  You'll feel so much better that there are other people going and having gone through what you are.  

You don't have to learn everything.  Ask questions, listen and take only what you need and leave the rest.  Get phone numbers and use them when you get down or in a bind.  Let us know what you decide to do. 

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Allimar6 replied on Mon, Nov 23 2009 10:27 PM

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Sorry, I needed to vent. I am trying to figure out going to meetings, but they are so far away from me, and I have little ones, etc... but i'll find a way (even if I have to start my own!) and I payed a $100 to take this workshop of "family strategies" for family members of people in their recovery program.

It just is so much. I feel overwhelmed by people all around me saying I should run as fast as I can away from him because this will be ongoing and hurt my family... and as a mother I have to take those somments personally, becuase above my marriage are my kids and they come first to me... I just am being pulled in this direction and that. I will go to the meetings, I can't wait. These past few days have just been really pulling at my heart strings.

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Clinton7980 replied on Tue, Nov 24 2009 9:33 AM

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I assume that everything you are feeling is normal, and you are doing what any wife/ mother would do.  Like PAW touched on, we cannot worry about the future.  Only think of today.  That is why it's so important to live life on life's terms, just within twenty four hours.  Don't think about tomorrow, and don't think about yesterday.  Just stay in the moment.

Only you can make the decision as to what is right for your family.  Today, he is trying to get help.  He is doing what he can do to make things better.  Don't make any decisions about the future, based upon your fear.  Do what you feel is right.  Remember, everyone will put in their own "two cents",  but only you know the situation for what it is.

I am glad you are excited about meetings.  I know you will enjoy them.  All my best,  Clint

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MIKEF replied on Tue, Nov 24 2009 11:11 AM

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Allimar6! yes you are correct Heroin is a tough drug to kick,so is alcohol,crack,meth etc.We must remember that these are people who are not junkies,crackheads,meth freaks,garbage heads,that  they are people who suffer ffrom the" disease of addiction of which there is no know cure but it can be arrested and recovery is then possible".Naranon is a wonderful  program as many others out there also.The addict is told to'LEARN HIS DISEASE" It is the same for the dependants around them.There is no shame in relapse it is part of some peoples recovery,the shame is if they dont get back to the "process'Total surrender on both sides of the coin is necessary for the 'work ' to take place.Learn what you can,later on boundaries can be set when you are together again.We say in NA.remember we didnt become addicted over nite so easy does it!Your husband will learn the 'tools' he needs and you will also have to learn the "tools" you need.You dont have to spend $$$ for program call locally and find out where meetings are.Dont compare with the speakers but identify with the disease.I have a 23 year old son who is also struggling with getting clean but he really hasnt shown that he wants it yet.Like suggested ,try not to project ,it is a monster for all who do.You can take things days,hours or minutes at a time.We are here to offer whatever we can.Bottom line like we say in Naranon"in your own way ,and your own time.Every situation has similarities and also differences.I;ll definitely keep you in prayer as we share a common bond..I wish you peace!