Hi Everyone,
My son was in the best Sober Living facility with Extensive Outpatient Treatment daily. He was doing great and thriving. He got a really good job with an insurance company and was talking about going to school. Well, he became ill with kidney stones and was hopsitalized for 4 days, he did not call out of work and ended up getting fired. Long story short, he got behind on his rent (I pay for his counseling). So instead of staying and finding another job and getting caught up, after 70 days of living at the Sober Living he jumped on a plane Saturday night and came back to NJ. He went to his Dad's house to tell him that he is back and that is going to live with 2 of his buddies, one is a recovery addict. He has not called me because he knows that I am going to be so mad and dissappointed. He told his dad he has changed and that he is going to continue to the treatment, get a job, etc.
I am so spitting mad at him and I also know that he is NOT well enough to live on his own. I know he is going to crash and burn and he is going to call me when he does.
My questions to any experts on this forum... should I just cut him off and let him fall. He knows that I will not support him financially anymore, he is 23 years old and I have been bailing him out for years. I have cut that off entirely. At this point, I want to cut all contact with him because I am so mad and disgusted. I am looking for advise. I do see someone for myself but this has thrown me for a loop and I do not have an appt. until Thursday. Any advice would be appreciated.
Not being a professional, I can only tell you what I would do, cut him off. I wouldn't take any phone calls unless he's sober, no food handouts, no money, no paying of bills. If it's a holiday,ie: birthday, Christmas, give him an article of clothing. He has a taste of the good life.
Father Martin has a saying in his 'Chalk Talk' Video and I've posted it before, "You can take a horse to water, but you can't make him drink, you can however make him thirsty." That's what your son has gotten in rehab. A thirst for being sober. He may or may not relapse, but he knows what it's like out there sober. You just have to let him do it on his own. That's my humble opinion. Hang in there and please keep taking care of yourself.....
today is the next step in the journey......paw
Hello pamom414!
Glad you came back! First I would like to say that I dont believe we consider ourselves "experts" here as you say,I do believe we all have varied experiences in similar situations with our own recoveries and with situations of co-dependancy.We share our experiences and offer suggestions of things that may or not have helped us.I do not wish to diminish the value of "professionals" in these AREAS but I do believe we will do things "in our own way and our own time"I personally think you are doing the right thing by not continuing to "enable" him with $$$,bailing him out of jams,and all the things we do as parents.He knows what the "program" is about and thats where his focus should be.There are overnite places to stay,there are meetings everyday and there are other "addicts' willing to help(The therapuetic value of one addict helping another is without parallel!)You can only support 'positive" behavior like getting a job,making meetings,seeing "outside " help if needed,following up with "outpatient' treatment etc.How ,if you choose,to support that will be the question?.you must remain diligent to "the con" Addicts are superb at manipulation.These are just offshoot suggestions on some of the ways people handle these situations including myself,who is now struggling somewhat with my 23 year old who is a recovering heroin addict..My real suggestions would be though find yourself a "group" to attend.Alanon,Naranon(which has been a blessing for me)and share with people who are working thru similar situations.Therapy is wonderful but 'groups" have people from all walks of life sharing and trying to learn the "tools " of dealing with co-dependance and learning to let 'the God of your understanding" take charge... Bottom line you can only take care of yourself. Keep coming back I WISH YOU PEACE AND STRENGTH
MIKE F
Hello PAMOM414!
Since this is stressing you out, maybe you should take a break. He reported to his dad, so let dad deal with him for awhile! You did everything you could do, now the recovery part is up to your son. Everyone is correct, don't give him money or support, attend meetings for yourself, keep going to your appointments. Start doing stuff for you now. Take it one day at a time. We will be here if you need to talk!
Keep coming back!
Ann
Thanks for the support! Yes, he is back. He has been back for 4 days now and he has not contacted me because he knows that I will be furious with him. I am so mad at him because I have found out that he left without saying "good-bye" to his counselors. He obviously knew they would tell him he was making a huge mistake. The Director of the facility said I should not communicate with for a while. His lies and manipulating are continueing because he fed his Dad a bunch of lies. I am going to let him figure this one out and WHEN he falls, because I know he will, he is going to have to figure that out. I have enabled him for so many years that I know he will call me when he is homeless, penniless or back on drugs. the only cycle that is going to break is me picking him up time after time.
You are doing what you should be doing -- staying away for the time being. Let him "attempt" to take care of the situation by himself, so that he can see the results of his choices. In the end, this will only help him. Let us hear from you again soon -- All my best to you.
Living a happy, joyous, and free life by embracing the mind, body, and spirit.
Hi pamom414. I share your pain. I've had a roller coaster ride out of this world with my son who has an oxycodone addiction Each time he relapses, it confirms for me that my child is an addict. At times, I become complacent when all goes well and my mind plays tricks on me thinking he is telling the truth and doing responsible things. Each time I am slapped in the face with the lies and the manipulation. Such is the disease called addiction.
I will tell you that I have learned that this isn't about me so much, or at least the addiction part of it. It is my son's journey not mine. What I want for him is not the path set in stone. He is his own person and I love him very much. And while the mother in me will not just write him off and not offer him encouragement, I have learned to step back and allow him to falter in his thinking and his actions, which leads to relapse, etc. Each relapse also seems to lead him closer to his acceptance that this isn't really the life he wants to lead and the fact that it is so much more difficult being an addict than it is being clean. It's even more work and energy acting like his is NOT an active addict just to make sure he doesn't let me down.
Currently, my son is locked up in a psych ward on a Florida Baker Act for 72 hours. He relapsed and his addiction spun him out of control. He couldn't get any more drugs, so he took 14 muscle relaxers trying to get through the withdrawals. His best friend from high school Baker Acted him and there he sits. Been to jail, now in an institution. Next may be death. Who knows.
I refuse to pay for treatment. Why should he sit on an intracoastal waterway at a sunrise meeting enjoying himself while I pay $1,000/day for him to be there because he chose to use drugs. He comes from a good home. He lives 15 minutes from the beach. How many times do I shell out money to make him comfortable. I have much better things to do with my money.
He wants out of the psych ward and they will not let him out until he has a safe place to go. He tried to tell them he is coming home to me, but he's not allowed in my home and hasn't been allowed since January of this year. I have seen how resourceful he can be in obtaining drugs. It truly amazes me and exhausts me to think about how hard he works at it. I've come to the conclusion that he can do this on his own if he has that resourcefulness and he will do it on his own when he is ready.
He had to make a call to his old halfway house and ask for help until he can get into the state-funded treatment. He has a hard time asking, but he has a huge support system just waiting for him to reach a point where he has nothing available but to ask. From there, if a bed is available he will go to a state funded 6-month lock down facility. It's up to him to ask and to accept the help. I can do nothing more but love him and pray for him.
I've also reached a point where I am not angry with him. I have learned to step back and just realize that his actions are those of addiction. I didn't raise him this way and he is not an evil or bad person. He has a disease that is destroying his life, piece by piece. As difficult as it is, I have to step back and allow him to put that disease into remission or to chose to let it blow out of control. I have to accept that what I think is best for him right now may not be what's best. Honestly, it seems that until he fully accepts his disease and is willing to put all his effort into recovery, a relapse is best. It's an "in your face acceptance." That's difficult to swallow and sometimes very painful for all of us.
The worst thing that can happen to my child is that he could die. But you know, my two other children could walk out of this house and die today, too. I could drive to the store and die today. I have no control over that any more than I have control over the addiction. The only control I have is whether I'm going to let this addiction fill me with hate and craziness. I can pray and know that there is a God working on a plan. I have a choice to love my son in spite of, and still be his mother. And occasionally I get manipulated if I'm not careful. But I'm not perfect. That's life.
So, be encouraged. Sometimes these drastic and obvious addictive behaviors lead them right to their addiction. Nothing can stop it but a relapse or a consequence. They are learning experiences for all involved. Take some time out for yourself. His choices more than likely have nothing whatsoever to do with you. It's his journey to control. You have to choice to control yours as well. Good luck. Keep your head up.
Floridian, what a read!! Thank you for sharing that with us. You've grown so much since you joined us here. I'm proud of you!! Great advice for a parent that is struggling.
Thanks for sharing, Floridian. I always enjoy reading your posts.
Wow Floridian! Great read. I actually copy/pasted and forwarded it on to my son. He CLAIMS he is attending meetings but I still doubt everything that comes out of his mouth. I finally talked to him on Friday because he called my cell phone and I answered thinking it was someone else but it was him with a new cell phone number. His living arrangement had fallen thru but he somehow found a place to stay with another man in recovery. He said he sold his laptop to pay his first month rent and he is taking the bus wherever he needs to go. He is working on getting his license reinstated. Again, not sure what is truth because I know for a fact that he saw his dad and my brother and told some lies to each of them. He was supposed to be driven to my house today to pick up his warmer clothes but his girlfriend decided not to bring him. He was upset because he says he needs his pants and jackets but he has no way of getting to my house to get them (I live an hour away). He asked me how can he get his stuff and I told him I don't know. Normally, I would of dropped everything and driven his stuff to him so I know he is surprised at my response. He also wanted to come to his younger brothers baseball game today and I told him I didn't think it was a good idea. I still do not trust him and I am confident he is feeding me lies, even if they are small ones.
I can only hope and pray that my son and everyone's son's and daughter's will get the help they truly need. Like Floridan said, this is his journey, not mine. I can't make him live a better life, he has to want to live a better life.
Lastly, Floridain, I truly hope and pray your son will seek the help he so desperately needs. I was told that for some addicts, they have to fail many times until they are completely broken before they will seek help and that help needs to come from strangers, not family.
Wow, that is some strong stuff. Thank you for sharing. Stay strong.
WOW ....what an emotional read for sure! Thanks all for sharing...
Being a MOM isnt easy and there isnt a rule book to follow :(...I have been there done that several times ..... All I can say is you need to look after YOU as a mom and ur family! It is soooo hard to let go...but it is needed desperately to help our "kids" deal with their own addiction! It is not ours....
Like you said "It is his journey to control"....It is so easy to say but to let happen....we dont want to see them fall, get hurt, wind up charged, or dead! We want to try and control that from happening...but without the driver being in complete control we are hindering their bottom! We are actually making it worse....draggin it on I should say!
Let GO and Let GOD is my favorite saying....as we have no control over it and we need to let happen what may happen and just pray that it isnt a hard bottom....
Keep sharing! It is doing us all good by sharing our experiences and knowing that we are NOT alone :)
XO
Well stranger, it's nice to hear from you. And you sound so much more grounded than when you first joined. A good maturity. Wise post coming from someone that's lived it. Hope to hear more from you. You've been missed.
Hey thankful mom,good to hear from you!
Man I can hear all you are saying,we are responsible for our own recovery.Your right I never could find that 'PARENTING MANUAL" EITHER.Keep coming back we need you mike
Hi Floridian!
Powerful share.wE HAVE SIMILAR STORIES WITH OUR CHILDREN AND IRONICALLY ENOUGH SOME TRACES OF MY OWN ADDICTION.If there are enough of us sharing this 'message of hope" on this site others may realize the validity of our 1st and 3rd steps .We have to surrender and then make a decision.I have been a little out of sorts myself for a bit ,but im back strong now thru the grace and mercy of my God..continue to let us know how you are doing mike