Well my son somehow got to transfer his parole to our county, so last week we drove over 3 hours to pick him up then the same back, then another 45 minutes to take him to report to his parole officer, then the next day to a manditory appt. ( that was cancelled apparently, and no one told us.) Then off to DMV to try to get an I.D. which we sat there for an hour. I am trying to stay positive and help him out, but I am very resentful. Why am I helping this 25 year old who has caused me heart ache after heart ache? He's my son, I know, but I am afraid I will put myself out there again and he will stomp on me. I still don't trust him, I watch his every move, I have already searched his room, I am sorry if this is coming out random, I am just thinking out loud, I guess. The parole officer is coming to my house tommorrow, I don't have any idea what will go on with that. I am new at this stuff. I'm sorry, I guess I better get off the self pity train and back to the misery of life.
hey just the mom!
good to hear from you...this is the place to come and share your feelings.we are also feeling similar feelings as my son has been back with us for about 7 months now(from jail)2 weeks ago we found out he wrote a check out of our account and some of his stories werent making sense.we are now more concerned that he is suffering from an anti social personality disorder and some symtoms include depression,lying ,stealing,no remorse ,no responsibility to pay back debts and a myriad of other things are popping up as his drug dependancy has subsided(heroin use anyway).my wife and I have been praying and discussing our next step as this is not working out.we also told him we would support him but not enable him but we will not go back to hiding our material things and hearing the fish stories.he is 24 years old..My gut tells me its just a matter of time before something breaks again and i usually try and stay in the moment and not project but VERY DIFFICULT.I would suggest that you get a program for your sanity and try not to let his life cause you to feel "life is misery" its all we have so we must work to make the best of it..Learn as much as you can about the disease,get help in being able to "let go" and have him become responsible for his life becuase bottom line is we have no control anyway.tighten the boundaries of your household and follow thru with the guidlines you set.(not too many but ones you will follow thru on)I am feeling a little confused myself because i didnt have my son arrested 2 weeks ago when he wrote a check,but we all do what we do in our own way and own time.hopefully the right time comes first..i definitely will keep you in prayer and hope to hear back from you peace!life is what it is,its how we react to it that makes the adventure..a still struggling parent..mikef (didnt mean the long diatribe but guess i also needed to share...thanks,
MIKE F
Thank You. I pray for your family too. I hope your son realizes what will happen if he keeps going the wrong way. Mine didn't and ended up in prison, when we picked him up from there, I was shocked to see that his a few of his front teeth were gone, knocked out in a fight to try and keep his food. He has put on some wieght now at 145lbs. I am still reeling from all this. I would love to go hide in a corner, but I know I can't. If I could just find a place to cry for a while, a place where noone could see me.
Hey Just the Mom, you want a place to cry, go to an Alanon or Naranon meeting. You can cry, and share, get phone numbers, hugs, a cup of coffee, plus lots and lots of support. Believe me when I say that they've walked in your shoes for many many miles.
As MikeF pointed out, you've got to set some boundaries; ones that you will enforce so that if nothing else, your son sees you mean what you say.
Trust is a BIG issue and for some takes a while to win back. We're here for ramblers, I know I've done my share of it.
Don't beat yourself up over this, please. You're worth having a life too. Keep us posted. And if you ever want to talk we're here.
today is the next step in the journey......paw
We have set so many boundries, when we first found out he was using, we made him attend Na, we had him picked up, he wrecked his car, our car and actually drove into the front of our house. We told if he didn't straighten up he would have to leave. That was about 4 years ago. We didn't hear from him until last year from jail of course, apparently that wasn't his first time. He knows we will ask him to leave. But I still have to deal with the fact that even though we did make him leave, it didn't help the first time, he went deeper into everything. So now what do I do? If he does screw up again and I tell him to go, will I get that call I've been dreading, that he is dead somewhere? from drugs. as you can see I am struggling here. It is so hard. My husband has fallen hook line and sinker into our sons new found life, I am on the fence. My husband has his own medical issues and can not take it if our son does it again. I'm sorry rambling again.
Welcome back justthemom!
I have walked both sides of the fence.I am an addict in recovery since 1984(by the GRACE of God).I am also parent of an addict who is not quite in recovery as I explained in a previous writing.The first thing to remember is unless an addict wants recovery there isnt anything anyone can do.Secondly how much longer do you think you can last going on like this??? For me,and this is just me,in both instances I had to put faith and trust in my higher power of whom I call God.without this step in my life neither my recovery or my ability to "detach with love " from my addict could not work..In the case of my son I still struggle because thats what parents do, but I always go to my higher power first.This may sound a little is the word ethereal for you,but it is the first phase in admitting we are powerless over the i'll say situation.We do not have the strength alone to do the "hard" things..In my sons case when he had finally nodded out in his room .a set of works in his arm ,ninety pounds ,ready for death, violating the number 1 boundary we set,,we had to put him out hopefully "to save his life"We knew he could die,go to jail or begin recovery.In my almost 62 years of life I have never had to do anything harder than that.We were blessed as my son was arrested ,went to jail,got some help,got clean from heroin and now has a shot at life.But we all are but one bad decision away from either severe codependance or a venture back into addiction(and believe me co- dependence can be as devastating as the addicts addiction is to them..Only you can make the decisions that work for you just like the addict can only be responsible for their recovery.What helped us was we knew everything else we were doing was futile and we really believed with the help of our "God" things could work out..It was also important for my wife and I to come to an agreement on how and what we were going to do..please continue to share your feelings and others here on this blessed site can share their suggestions and experience ,strength and hope that have gotten them thru similar situations.As tough as it is these situations are they are not unique to any one person..your not rambling when you share from your heart and if you are we'll ramble with you..Paw was on spot about support group though,you would well be benefitted by sharing "face to face; with others in your same scenario.We are here always to offer support but their is nothing like face to face sponsorship with support group(I have a sponsor that ins not only younger than me but with quite a bit less "clean time")We help each other!!!anyway..see now im rambling!!!peace i will keep you in prayer.keep coming back mikef[H]
I can't say much more than what MikeF says here. He HAS to hit his bottom and as long as you enable him, he won't. It's HIS ADDICTION!!!! Maybe the first time you told him to get out, he wasn't ready to recover. My bottom wasn't anywhere near what others have hit, but it was MINE. Each has their own. We're here.
Hello Everyone!
How are all of you? I was wondering if the Parents of children in recovery group is still existing? For those of you that don't know about it, if you click on groups, and then click on parents of children in recovery, there is supposed to be a group for parents there.
There are more and more parents on this site everyday, you need to support each other and share your stories! Just like going to a meeting.
Keep coming back!
Ann
Hi, well we have my home for a week, it has been very busy, running him to all his appointments for parole. I am exhausted. I still don't trust him, I think if he could get high without getting trouble he would jump on it, but thats just what I think. I hope I am wrong. I am sure he doesn't want to get a job, hes trying to get disability. I don't get it. I have always held a job, sometimes 2 at a time. My instinct's are telling me to not trust him, that he is just using us, but that could be my resentment from the last few times he has messed up. I don't know what to do. I keep praying that God will reach into his heart and touch him, and that he will see what he has done to himself and his family.
Thank you for listening, right now this is the only place I can let go, thank you very much
I understand your distrust completely. I know from my side of the fence just how cunning I was when I was drinking. To get my next bottle, well let's just say that if I worked that hard at anything productive who knows where I'd be today, huh?
If you don't mind my asking, what is he claiming his disability is? It used to be that an alkie or druggie could get it as long as someone else got the check in their name. But they frown on that now with all the programs available.
Hang in there and I hope you're doing something for yourself through all this. Keep us posted. We're here at all times.
Hello mike f here welcome back!
Trust will have to be earned and it may take a very long time.Try and remember also for your sanity that what we feel is appropriate behavior for our addicts may mean nothing to them.I would run my responsibility wrap LIKE SGT. ROCK! YOU know I worked since i was in kindergarten, 2 jobs a day,wheres your responsibility ,dont you care. blah ,blah,blah...The answer 'thats you dad ,not me!.Brings me to the basics(God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can.The blessing of a program for yourself is it will help you gain the ability to accept you are powerless over his condition,YOUR life is unmanageable,then you can move forward to allowing the God of your understanding to take control.Ask for help in how you do but also be still and listen for the answer ,let it happen.,we ask and pray for help and then jump in and try and fix it anyway...We gain resentments because we think they should "be sorry' or at least say so,how can they do this etc..believe me when you are looking for the"next one"the genius of the con shows its bright colors..I am now accepting my son has a disorder(anti-social personality disorder that may keep him from ever feeling remorse or responsibility etc.I must accept that..not easy may not be in total but its what it is...I am glad you feel you can come here to share your feelings.someone is here day and night to offer suggestions that may have helped them in many different situations and similar to you(we are not unique in our trials)..keep coming back let us know how"you" are doing!peace mikef
Justhtemom,
Thanks for coming back and updating us.
I would recommend allowing him to own his addiction and his parole. Let him do what he needs to do, and try to stay as detached as possible. Helping him by going to meetings, or parole sessions is not being too attached. But I believe when you search his room, and try to get him caught in something, you may be crossing the line.
You being resentful is completely normal. I really wish you could find a group in your area to speak with. There are some great books out there. Right now I am reading Codependent No more. You might see if you can locate a copy. It's meant for those on the other side of the fence of addiction (not addicts, but family of addicts).
All my best, Clint
Living a happy, joyous, and free life by embracing the mind, body, and spirit.