Hello everyone. I am a new member to the site and before joining I visited the various Forums, Blogs, Groups, etc... and I def like what I've seen and I'm glad that I have made the decision to join.
I chose to post my first post in this section because like alot of the posts I have read I can def identify with them very much. I am a bi male who is currently in my first male relationship. My partner and I have been together for over a year and all in all it has been very good. I must say that I am 16 years older then he, so being bi I have be in relationship with women. He is 20 and gay, as you may be realizing the age difference affords more experience on my part. Currently he is in rehab for drug and alcohol abuse. He told me 3 months into our relationship that he had been in rehab before for 30 days. In the beginning he was doing good, I never saw him high, we would drink beer or have a drink but he never went to an extreme point with drinking.
Now please bear with me cause I need to let you in on how we met and the situations leading to what I believe really caused his relapse. He and I met via Craigslist. I saw his post and responded. At first I thought it was going to be just a onetime get together and nothing else. But after we met we continued to see eachother, it was nothing more then a casual get together. I knew he was still posting on Craigslist and had been chatting with other guys. After the first month he began coming over more, stopped posting on Craigslist and we began really spending more time with eachother. Prior I had a conversation with him letting him know that I didn't like the fact that he wanted to be with me but yet was still posting looking for hook ups. I made it clear that we shouldn't continue this way and I appreciated the time we shared but maybe we should go our seperate ways and I wished him the best of luck and of course be safe. He got so upset and began to tell me that he didn't want to let me go and that there was something about me that he was attracted to and said that he wanted to be with me in a monogamous relationship. He deleted all contact info of the guys he met, he called everyday, was always on point and true to his word with me.
After the second month he mentioned that he wanted to meet my mother. He would heard our conversations and he knew that she and I are very close. I don't like keeping things from her. But she had no idea that I was bi and I would have to tell her. So she and I talked and I told her about him and how he wanted to meet her nad as I knew she welcomed him with open arms. They talked and immediately fell for eachother. Now it was time for him to tell his parents. He sent his mother an email and she took it hard. She blamed herself and was in denial. This hurted him so much...
Not long after I noticed he was spending the night at friends houses and he looked drained. When at my house he would get texts and calls from people at like 1, 2 in the morning. When I asked he told me that they were friends. I even heard him one night talking with someone telling them that he was out for the night but they could "hook up" that next morning. Hearing that gave me the impression that he was back out there hooking up again. Then one night while I was cooking, he was on my computer and chatting with a guy from a site called Manhunt. I confronted him about it and he said that he was just looking but wasn't doing anything! So we went on this roller coaster ride for about two months. Then one night he called and came by crying saying that he had stole from his mother and told me that he was smoking crack and taking presciption pills. Two days later he was sent to a rehab facility for 30 days. The first week there he signed himself out, went back, then ran away. But thankfully he went back.
Now he is in an afiliated residential rehab in another state. The first week there he ran away, got in trouble with the law and was sentenced to stay there or jail. He called me when he ran away wanting money to get home but actually wanted money for drugs. I didn't send anything because he needs the help. When he finally got back to the rehab he wrote me a letter saying that he loves me and he's sorry for all everything he's putting me and his family through. He eventually called and I asked him what happened and he told me how he went onto Craigslist and met this guy and that he didn't have sex with the guy but when they got to the guys room he robbed the guy for money by knife point. Now I'm not stupid I don't think that a man who he said was near my age would be robbed by a younger guy who had a small kitchen knife. I really think he had sex with the guy and the guy gave him the money. So as you maybe thinking my trust level is def at a low point.
So now at 5 weeks into his 90 day stay he is doing better. His letters are very written, he sounds more clearer when we talk on the phone. He tells me how much he loves me and that he needs to really work on loving me more cause he doesn't want to lose me. He's been calling every Saturday eventhough he's not suppose to except for Saturday on the Fourth of July.
Now if I haven't bored you all, lol... I just need some advice. I love him to death, my mother absolutely loves, she calls him her son (which means alot to me). I've been educating myself about addiction and the recovery process and the after rehab process and reading the various posts concerning relationships that have been broken after rehab and relationships can be created while in rehab has me worried. My feeling is if he is in need of comfort and there are lots of young adults his age at the facility where he is (its a rehab designed specifically for his age group), who's to say he want cheat. He's already showed me that he deals with stress via alcohol, drugs and sex. The alcohol and drugs hopefully are not a factor but the sex part maybe. I don't know, maybe I'm putting to much stress into things and not having enough faith in him. As I mentioned he does loves me and he has no problems telling me and showing me. When home he was always offering to help me, letting me know that if i needed anything he was there. He is always supportive especially when I'm going through my emotional drama, so I'm trying to prepare myself for the worse case senario.
I guess I need some honest opinions from those who have been through this type of situation.
Thanks for taking the long read, lol... and I am def going to be on the site helping and giving my honest opinions to those in need. I must admit that eventhough I am a professional banker with a great career, I am no stranger to alcohol and drug abuse. I've been there myself and I didn't have the luxury to go to rehab or those around to support me other then my mother. So my life has been a roller coaster riding but I'm a survivor and if I can help my partner do one thing its going to be to survive.
Thanks and God Bless...
First let me welcome you. Then let me say that if you've read a lot of the posts and you have some experience with addiction, then you know that we, (a lot of us), recommend Alanon or Naranon. If you're not familar, they are comprised of people that have walked in your shoes, will support you, teach you to take care of yourself and show you how to set boundaries for him when he gets out.
He will need some structure, and he will need to know where you stand in as much as phone messages, emails, money, etc.
It would be wise for him to hit some AA/NA meetings. Some places here run different types of meetings at the same time, ie: Alanon, AA, Alateen, or an NA meeting thrown in. Get some phone numbers, use them when you have a question.
He is going to have to learn to change people, places and things.
Trust is a big issue that he will have to build up again. This recovery works the same way the relationship does. Both have to be willing to give and take. You're going to have to respect one another's moods and emotions. This is not going to be easy for either one of you for a while. So all the outside support you can get will definitely benefit you both.
Going back to Alanon/Naranon, they will teach you, and MikeF says this so eloquently, "to detach with love". Doesn't mean you don't care, you just have to be willing to want the best for both of you.
I'm glad you joined and hope you let us know how it goes.
today is the next step in the journey......paw
welcome!
mike f here keep comin back,we may be able to offer suggestions that have helped us through similar situations.peace
MIKE F
Thanks to both of you for the hearty welcome and I will most def continue to come back and participate.
I do agree we do have a rough road ahead but I'm confident we can make it. I've never met his mother but since he has been away she and I have spoken and I have made a habit of checking in on her every week. She has suggested that we meet but I've told her I would rather he be present and do the introduction. But I have let her know that I am planning on taking an active role with his continued recovery when he gets home.
Also, she was very much concerned concerning our relationship but after speaking with eachother and reaching out to him when he checked out and ran away, she is more approving of me now. I can imagine she had a certain impression of me at first but the more we talk I can feel her sense of ease knowing that I do love him and I'm not just with him for the wrong reasons.
I will def keep the forum updated as to our progress.
Thanks again and God Bless...
Hello!
I agree with PAW, this will be rough on both of you. First of all, he will need to deal with himself and all his problems before he can have a relationship with anyone. You will need to be patient. Going to a meeting may be a good idea. He needs to figure out who he is as a sober person, and what he wants out of life. He will need someone who supports his sobriety. Good luck to you!
Let us know how it goes!
Ann
Hello all,
Just wanted to let you all know of my bf's current situation. Apparently he was kicked out of the rehab facility on 7/24. He stayed with a friend he met in rehab and the friend's parents explained to him that he could not stay there. We spoke throughout the entire weekend and he was doing good, he had not relapsed. He spoke with his parents on Sunday the 26th and they informed him that the rehab would take him back. I got a call from him on Monday asking me to wire him money and according to him his mother got him a hotel room for the night on the condition he would return to the facility today. He told me that he needed money cause he was hungry and he wasn't able to order room service etc... Just listening to him I knew he had gotten high, either he had been drinking or had gotten ahold of some pills. I told him that I couldn't and wouldn't send him any money and after going back and forth for 15 minutes I let him know that I knew he was high, at that point he hung up. I did a search on the number he called from and discovered he had called from a cell phone. Two hours later, I texted the number and asked however's cell it was to give him a message, the message was "be safe and take care", the response was "ok will do".
He relapsed...
I'm proud that you left the message you did. He's making choices that he has to be accountable for. I hope his Mom can also 'detach with love', (MikeF's good words), as you seem to be doing. Do you attend any meetings? It's a good idea that you have a support group to help you along. I wish all of you well.
No I've been talking with my mom, she's my support. She doesn't like seeing me upset like this and plus tomorrow is my birthday so he picked a fine time to hit me hard. But I cried and prayed last night so I'm doing much better today.
I'm glad you're doing better. Hang in there and let's hope he gets it this time.
Thanks I will...
It is good that you didn't give him any money! It is hard to not be an enabler! I noticed many people have this problem. You are a good friend for doing that. Maybe he will realize that some day. Take care of yourself. It is nice that you have your mom for support. We are here if you want to talk!
Peace be with you!
Hi everyone,
Just a quick update. He is back in rehab and he was clean. When he called me on Monday the cell he used belonged to a young guy who was in the same facility and is now clean and sober. We actually spoke today and he let me know that my bf was very depressed and down but he remained sober. This young man is very nice and even took him back to the facility Tuesday morning.
It goes to show that God truly works in mysterous ways and is always there on time.
Thanks to all for your support and encouraging words...
Good news. He's being taken care of, now make sure you take care of yourself.
Take care of yourself. It sounds that your relationship has been a bit turbulent for only one year. I would try to step back and allow him to do what he needs to get sober and get help. Remember that you cannot get him sober -- he has to do it for himself. Keep coming back and let us know how you and him are doing, ok?
Living a happy, joyous, and free life by embracing the mind, body, and spirit.
Hello everyone,
Just wanted to let you all know that he is back in rehab and he's doing just fine. When he checked back in and was tested he was clean. His mother also informed me that they will be heading down to the facility in two weeks for a week long Family Restructuring program.
As for me I'm doing just fine. I will be going on a week long vacation to the Carolina's, first stop is Norfolk, Va and then to our place in North Carolina, rest is def needed, lol...
Thank you all again for your concerns and much needed advice.