Father enabling brother

I just joined today.

I am mid 40s, I have a brother who just turned 50, who is alcoholic and a few other things. His whole adult life has consisted of creating tragic events to get my parents sympathy so he can benefit emothionaly and financialy from them. 20 years ago he went thru the coke addiction phase, then 10 years ago he was alcoholic, now recently, he wants to seek mental health treatment (even though he can be seen at my parents house watching sports at any given time)

He is unemployed, I have never known him to be employed at a job for more than 3 months. He always claims to have been fired. I knew one of his co-worker at one of his prior jobs. They said he quit his job. His last job lasted one month.

He lives rent free in what used to be my grandparents house. An very small, old broken down house that is hardly liveable. The vehicle he uses is in my fathers name. According to my parents, he has them thinking he goes to a day long AA meeting. Everyday. So he needs financial support to get to and from the meetings. Food, gas ect. They believe anything he tells them.

I have confronted him many times and told him I can see right thru him, that he is making my parents pay for his failed life choices. He just smiles and says 'Yeah I am, so what?".

One of the latest  attempted scams involved my brother asking my parents for money to enter rehab. My parents took him to a center last year. A doctor came out and stood right in front of him, took both his hands, and looked into his eyes. They said he wasn't sick enough to be admitted. I could have told them that.

He steals things from their house to sell or hawk, and most of the time they don't notice it missing. Then when he needs money, he will go them and 'confess' that he stole from them to gain more sympathy. And right before he leaves, asks them for more money. When he goes to my parents house, he lifts the hood of his truck while he is there. To show my parents 'My car is broken, I need money for parts so I can find a job.' He takes his laundry to their house on weekends. Uses their detergent. Uses their mouthwash, steals their toiletries and anything else he can get.

My father is 76. He still see's my brother as a little boy. He gives him money all the time. If my mother or myself confront my brother, he steps in to defend him. "You all hate him! leave him alone!" "Pobrecito (poor boy) he's sick and you people attack him". 

If I stay away from them, they say I hate them and don't love them anymore. Or that I hate old people. When I get involved, my brother seems to get satisfaction over it. He loves to create turmoil between us.

My father is 40 years ex-military. Volunteers with the police dept. He loves to have charge of people. He wanted his kids to be dependent on him. He wanted this so he could control us. He didn't want us to be independent. And God forbid any of us do better than his 8th grade education. He was/is too giving and it crippled us as adults.

My father and I lock horns occasionally. I know he is 'the chief of this family'. He feels very threatened by me. He feels I have betrayed him by being on my own, independent.  If my mother calls me, or if I call her, he will listen in on another line. He see's me as 'the other man' in my mom's life. I have tried to talk with him, man to man, face to face. He talks to me looking away, or with his head down. Then if I say something he doesn't want to hear, he walks away. Or his classic, "I feel sick now...this is your fault".

There is some kind of sick relationship happening here. He wont cut off my brother because he uses him as a weapon against my mother. For whatever problems they have had all these years.

--snip

sorry for the long ramble

 

 

 

 Wow that's tough.  Welcome to the site.  I honestly don't know what to suggest except to keep in touch with Mom as much as possible.  Let her know that you love her and care what happens. 

 There are parents out there that just can't let go for whatever reason.  I know a lady that said she had kids to take care of her when she couldn't.  Others don't want to be a burden, ya know.  

 Please don't apologize for rambling.  That's why the site is here to post about what's going on with you and your life. 

 If you think it would do any good, is there a way that you can take your Dad to your brother's place during the day to let him know that he's not at a meeting all day. Would your Dad rather have him live with Mom and him so that he CAN keep control of him. 

 Take your Mom with you and let them have their life together. No seriously I don't know how to tell you to deal with it.  Just take care of you and Mom I guess is all that you have right now.  We're here for you.  I'll keep you in my thoughts.

hello! mikef here

welcome to the site.keep comin back and share what you can "it will help you"i also come from a very rigid 'ITALIAN FAMILY" BACKROUND.I KNOW WHERE THAT "YOU ARE DEAD TO THE FAMILY THING COMES FROM"as hard as it is, I would suggest you look for a program of recovery also for yourself.you may think 'WELL IM NOT THE SICK ONE HERE" BUT WE DO GET CAUGHT UP WITH RESENTMENTS, anger,bitterness etc ,and all kinds of emotions that can  make us crazy.. (Naranon is a wonderful program for helping you keep yourself together and not get caught up in situations that you cant control)We admitted we were powerless over our addict ,our lives had become unmanageable.first step in surrender..peace mikef

Thanks MikeF and paw. I had more written down here but it seems like I am dumping on people. With all that goes on with my brother and folks, I have found myself turning inward. Becoming the opposite of my brother. I was in the hospital 3 years ago for a week. I never told anyone about it.

is there a way that you can take your Dad to your brother's place during the day to let him know that he's not at a meeting all day. Would your Dad rather have him live with Mom and him so that he CAN keep control of him. -paw

I have done things like this, and it only makes things worse. My father doesnt like to be shown 'truth'. And he certainly doesnt want me telling him how to run his family. It only makes me believe this is how he wants things to be. That's what makes me hate him more.

I feel like everything I was raised with; hold a job, earn a good living, be responsible, BE A MAN, are lies. They mean nothing.

Not that it means anything, but my mom almost always calls me by my brother's name. And vise versa. If you put me and my brother together, you would never know we are related. Not one similarity.

 

Hello!

  It is really sad that your brother is 50 years old and using your parents.  The point  is plain and simple that they shouldn't give him any kind-of money.  Have you tried having a friend or another relative say something to the family?  There is really nothing you can do, unless your mom puts her foot down and says she's had enough crap!

Let us know how it goes!

Ann

hEY  Romulan!

dont feel like you are dumping on us!!..sharing from your heart  will strengthen you..dont let your life be smothered by this.sometimes when we are worn out and just perplexed  dealing with things we start getting in our own head like you said "be a man,be responsible etc. seems meaningless...its important that you bring these kind of  things to the surface.we all here have a myriad of our own "bag of tricks" and enough luggage the bus dont even hold at times.Resentments are killers,I dont want to cross any lines here but we are talking" spiritual principles" being one of the keys to our serenity.For me(my story).I know i must forgive if i want to be forgiven,way easier said then done,but the freedom is amazing..keep coming back we genuinely care..peace mikef 

 Don't think for a moment that you're dumping on us.  We're here for that.  Get it out. 

 I know that you really don't like what your father is doing or what he says, etc., but hate is a very strong word.  You can dislike him, what he stands for, how he lives and what he does, but try hard NOT to hate him. 

 Forgiving, well MikeF is a better person than I am.  "Grudge to the grave."  That's me.  And believe me, it does NOT eat me up.  However, I don't recommend that to others.  I think what you're going to have to do is look out for you.  Get to a meeting, get a support group, maybe even take your Mom if you get the chance.  Be the person YOU WANT TO BE......And feel free to contact me if you want to talk.

You're right paw. I don't hate him.

You have to love someone first, before you can hate them. I guess a better word would be indifferent.

Funny thing is, whenever he needs real help, like a medical emergency, he calls me. Not my brother. This is the time he thinks my being able to read paperwork, and have an ability to communicate with other people, comes in handy. Last time I took him to emergency because he had a fever and not feeling well. He does this whenever my mom leaves town for games (she plays in senior vollyball league).

I spent all day, night and next day with him. Doctors ran every test available on him. I asked the doctor what happened. Doc said "We can't find anything wrong with him. How often does he do this?". I called my brother and told him what happened. He started bitching me out over the phone because I didnt call him earlier, then hanging up on me. That night, around 3am, someone busted out my living room window. I drove to my brother's trailer and touched the hood of his truck. It was still warm. I never told my parents about that either.

I should write a book. I'll call it "When Can I Clock Out?"

  Senior volleyball..that's fantastic..   He sounds like he's had so much of his life structured that he can't deal with change, whether it's for a moment or a day.  And at this point in his life I doubt greatly if he will change.  I'm glad your Mom does get out though. 

  My mother in law was a lot like your Dad.  She couldn't do anything, and I mean anything for herself.  Always pitting the boys, (had 2) against each other.  Talking about my brother in law like he was some god and then telling the brother in law the same thing about my husband.  But when she needed a light bulb changed or someone to dig the car out, etc., she called on my husband.  We took care of her, that's just the way it was.  No one else was going to do it for her. 

  You posts already sound like you've got a little more grip on the situation.  Does good to get it out of your system.  Or at least partly out.  Stick around with us.

It sounds like your father is a narcissist and your brother is an outright sociopath. Read about these disorders. There is little hope that your father will improve, and none at all for your brother. Narcissism is a personality disorder. Your father's treatment of people as possessions and his need to be superior even to his children (at their own expense) points to his lack of empathy. So does his willingness to blame others and attempt to slither out of your attempts to hold him accountable. His willingness to keep a parasite-son around in order to destroy his wife's happiness is yet another indicator of narcissism. Sociopathy (aka psychopathy) is a biologically-based neurological disorder which renders the person utterly devoid of empathy. Psychopaths have no conscience. They do not experience shame. They do not feel remorse for wrongdoing. Your brother's ability to lie, cheat, steal, and commit atrocities over the course of decades would not be sustainable in a person with empathy. His particular delight in creating conflict is another indicator. As are his attempts to disguise his true nature with drug, alcohol, and mental problems. Sociopaths are chronically bored (due to the lack of emotional "color" in their lives) and will create disturbances just for amusement. Your brother will never, ever change. Your father is very unlikely to change, given his age and his focus on damaging your mother. I don' t know about your mother but if she has put up with this insanity for this long, I doubt she will get out. You, on the other hand, have the opportunity to create peace and harmony in your life. Sometimes the best thing is to let a toxic situation come to rest. I strongly encourage you to consider changing your relationships with these very ill people, for the sake of your health. Some people are able to maintain no-contact. Many find that this is the most healing way for them to live. Please remember that you deserve happiness and peace in all of your relationships. Find the people who support you for you, not because they want or expect something out of you. Make use of your support network to build the internal strength needed to flush away the toxic people in your life. And do consider working with a counselor; humans have a way of recreating traumatic, painful experiences, if we don't process them fully. Best of luck.