I had written a post in previous month's called "Looking for a Gentleman's Perspective" and I wanted to write a follow up as I've had some more questions pop into my head. Many of you have mentioned "early recovery" and I was curious how long someone is considered to be in early recovery. Like I had said in my previous post, I ended my relationship with my long term boyfriend when I found out he had an ongoing affair with a coworker. While he was drinking, and right before he entered rehab and got clean, I did know he cheated on me once. He promised it had only happened once. But months later, I found his journal that listed his resentments and I read that he had been sleeping with this girl for many years behind my back, when he was a heavy alcoholic. The therapist had told me that I could discuss the one time he cheated on me when he got out of rehab because he didn't have the capacity to deal with it at the time. So I had to grit my teeth and try to forget about it. However, I found out that AFTER he got out of rehab, when he was no longer drinking, he not only rekindled his conversations with the "other woman" but I found him soliciting prostitues off of Craigslist (I checked his phone and email). He hates me because I snooped. But why was he doing this after he was clean? He said he was sorry, but he would never admit to what he did. I told him he has a sex addiciton and he refused to admit it.
Anyway, I've moved out, and unfortunately, he moved and followed me to where I live. He got an apartment in the same building. So, I feel I am just to start confronting him on why he's done what he's done. He doesn't act remorseful. I told him all I want him to do is answer my questions about the affair and I want to hear him say, "Yes, I solicited prostitues, Yes, I continued my commnuication with Renee, Yes, I have an issue with sexual addiction, and Yes, I am trying to do something about, and Yes, I didn't mean to hurt you. He got the dog in the "divorce" and I've asked if I could see the dog, and he treats me like I am a bad person, the mean person. I wish he would stop acting like that. He put me through alot, and I don't know why he can't feel remorseful. He never shed a tear and he never battled for me to stay. I wish I could ask one of the guys on here to reach out to him and ask him why he won't admit to those actions. I was ok that he was a recovering alcoholic, but I couldn't stay with the affair. Can any of you offer words of advice to help me?
This may or may not be what you want to hear, but here goes.
Personally I would be more worried about him following me not only to the same place, but the same building. If you broke it off, then it's time to move on. Sounds to me that neither one of you is ready to do that. You want answers that he's not willing to give, you want to see the dog, and yet you're somewhat upset about him moving close.
If you don't want to have anymore to do with him in a real relationship, then let it go. Get another pet. I know that pets become part of a family, but start your own 'new' family.
About the answers to your questions, he probably thinks that as long as it bothers you and you don't get your answers, it gives him a means to see you or talk to you.
Early recovery for me was about the first two years. Some look at one year, some at only 6 months or so. At the same time it's not good to 'look to far ahead'. Having been sober for a number of years, I don't feel I'm in 'early recovery' anymore but every waking moment, I AM in recovery. Each person is different.
I was at a friend's house yesterday trying to ascertain whether my grandson was going to stay the night with their son and told him to please let me know what he was doing 'cause I wanted to go home. I've become somewhat of a hermit. Anyway, their grown daughter says, "Ah Come on Pat, let's go to the bar and raise some hell." And I told her no I just wanted to go home. Then she says, "We'll get drunk and kick up a ruckus." And I said, NO NO not me. To which my grandson, (who has never seen me drink), pops up and says, "She can't drink, she's one of those whatchamacallits." I told him I could speak for myself, but it was nice to know he has my back.
But I digress. I hope I didn't offend you and if any of it helps, that's what I want to do. Take care of yourself, go on with you life. If you really think the relationship is over, then it's over. Go forward, make something of yourself. Do something you want to do. Hit an Alanon meeting, might help you understand more of the position you're in. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.
today is the next step in the journey......paw
Hello!
I'll have to agree with PAW on this! Moving on, may be the best thing to do here. Do you really need an answer to why he did or even still does all this? It will probably just hurt you more. He won't show you any emotions or tell you anything because he knows it bugs you. You moved away for a reason. He shouldn't have followed you!
Get a plant or pet, and have some fun! Besides, if he is doing it now, what makes you think he will just stop cheating? Let it go. If you feel uncomfortable, move again if you can. This time don't tell him where you are going! Quit hurting yourself! Find someone nicer!
Keep coming back!
Ann
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