I am new to this forum. Im 29, mother of a 2 yr old, and have been with her father for 5 yrs now. Her father can be such a great person. He would help almost anyone out. Problem is, he is addicted to drugs, alcohol, lottery, you name it. Its hard to deal bc noone seems to think of the family members that have to deal with the addiction without actually having the addiction themselves. Lately his problems continue to get worse. He is not addicted to the drugs, in the sense he does not get sick if he doesnt use for a day. But his drinking is progressively getting worse, and the family situation is getting worse. He does not work because he cannot hold down a job. When he does work, I can expect him to not come home on paydays because he will stay out and spend the whole check in one night. He just made 3200 2 weeks ago, and blew it all in 2 days, and then he made 2700 last week and blew it in 3. I work a M-F job, and I pay all of the bills. He steals from me, his family members and anyone else he can take from. He lies constantly. He doesnt pick the child up from daycare when he says he will, and its got to the point I cant even trust him to pick her up. Im tired of hearing him say it will get better. Im tired of him saying he will not do it again. He has been arrested numerous times for theft and me and his family let him sit in jail for a few weeks, and he cries and says he messed up, he wont do it ever again. Im tired of hearing, "give me just one more chance". His one more chance ended 20 chances ago. He has broken into his brothers house, pawned 3 cars, pawned anything he can get his hands on, he has stolen my checks and forged my name. All for his drug habit. I feel he values his drug dealers more than his family. When he gets drunk he comes home mad. Take it out on me, mentally abuses me, breaks windows and cabinets. And the next morning its "Im sorry, I wont do it again". Im starting to feel that I am just a bank to him. He lives rent free, doesnt have to pay for food and so on. He blames everyone for his problems. This morning he was supposed to be picked up by bondsmen bc his bond had been revoked. He worked his way out of that one and now he is gone again because he got money, again. Life cannot go on like this. He doesnt need detox, hes done it too many times. But I feel he is too far gone to ever get better. Is hope lost?
Dear Helpless -
I am sure many of the members here who are recovering can give you their perspective. I am not a recovering alcoholic, instead I am you, but I represent you two years later. It's not fair to say leave, I know, as I was there. You love him. You have a child with him. When he's loving and not drunk, he's so good to you that it makes up for the bad times. But the bad times do out number the good times, don't they? I finally left him in February of this year, after 5 1/2 years together. I didn't leave him because he was an alcoholic. I helped him get through rehab, heck I found him trying to commit suicide and saved his life so he could have a second chance. He finally took that second chance and got clean. He is now 10 months sober. However after forgiving him for the one time I thought he cheated on me when he was drinking, I found out he had been cheating on me all along and continued to after he got out of rehab. So, all I can tell you is save yourself. You deserve a sane environment for yourself and your child. I still hurt everyday, but it's much better than the hurt I experienced being with him. My friendships reflourished after our breakup as well as my relationship with my family. Even if he got clean, he most deflinitely will become a different person than the person you fell in love with. You may think if he got clean all your problems would be solved, but honestly the process of recovery for an addict/alcoholic is a raw, emotional one, and it's as tough for a partner as it was before when they were using. I thought once he got sober we would be able to reconnect again and he'd be ready for us to move forward and make up for the time we lost, but the opposite happened. He spent more time with his friends from rehab and took this new found freedom to enjoy his new sober self. I think maybe things could have worked out for us, but with the affair on my mind, I couldn't continue because he wasn't in a place to discuss it because all he could do was focus on his recovery. Then I got angry because after everything he put me through and everything I did for him, he wasn't there for me. It wasn't his fault, he was just following his program. But unfortunately my program was taking me in a different direction. I don't know if this helped, but I'd be more than happy to discuss with you further and not bore the rest of the people reading this post. It's not easy what you are going through. If you haven't gone to Alanon, you should look into it, but you have to recongnize your safety first. I dealt with the abuse, physical and verbal. It made scars on me pretty deep and through alot of therapy I have been able to take responsibility for what happened, because I stayed and let him do this to me evern though my inner self put up red flags left and right. Trust you inner self. It doesn't mean you don't love him, just love yourself more right now.
Best Wishes.
- Jennifer
JJones, thank you so much for your post. We have all found that we are not alone in this no matter what part we play. I'm so glad that Alanon is there. They are a great group of people.
Helpless, boy this is tough on you. Alanon IS a good source of comfort and support for you to look into. They help to teach you how to live a life that allows you to be detached from the addiction and the addict. Doesn't mean that you don't love him, but his addiction NEEDS to be HIS and he has to be held accountable for it. Once he finds that no one is going to foot the bills or stand for the thivery, the lies and all that's involved he WILL have to learn how to live either on the street or clean and sober. Please don't let him drag you down any deeper. Find a support group, clergy, Alanon, Naranon, get phone numbers and use them. Reach out, someone will help guide you. Take what you need and leave the rest. Let us know how you're doing. We're here for you.
today is the next step in the journey......paw
hello helpless29!
welcome !!!..there is not much more that I can say that wasnt addressed here already;I would suggest setting more rigid boundaries but only ones that you will keep to.....its kind a like the parent who keeps telling their kids to stop but does not get up to intervene and put a consequence to the inappropriate behavior..why would the kids either stop or listen..? whatever you decide it will be useless if you do not follow thru..there are no easy answers but there are things we can do to alleviate the insanity(and I am talking about for ourselves who become addicted to them)..keep coming back here ,many have been or are living similar scenarios and suggestions from how they are managing may help..i wish you peace..mikef
MIKE F
Hello helpless29. I, too, was you 15 years ago, married to a wonderful man that became violent when doused with alcohol. Drugs were not a problem, outside of weed. He was a binge drinker and could go weeks without. But when he drank, he drank until no tomorrow. He would never pass out. He would stay gone for three days and then come home and pull me out of the bed that I was sharing with my two young children by the hair of my head and ask me who I had been sleeping with while he was gone. (Of course, it wasn't put that politely.) He would choke me and smash out windows. He chased me down the highway when I was eight months pregnant. I would leave, he would sober up and say all the right things and I would take him back. It was a real merry-go-round in hell.
I used to wish he would cheat on me. That would give me an "excuse." Or better yet, God, couldn't you just take him home so I could get some relief? I didn't think myself worthy enough to think this abuse towards me was reason enough to stay gone. I had all these bills and all these things that it would take to unwind a relationship. I didn't think I had the strength. What I did have was an Al-Anon family that stuck by me and my decisions.
One day, my husband came home drunk and began pushing me around while I was holding my 8 month daughter. We lived out in the country with the nearest neighbor 3 miles away. I finally snapped. I went in the bedroom, loaded a 12 gauge shot gun. I put my kids in the car and pointed the gun at the house. I shot straight through the house, screaming at the top of my lungs "You wanna know what it's like to be afraid mother f***!!!" I had finally cracked. I had finally reached my bottom. Before I did this, I had put in a distress call to my sponsor. My husband also liked to rip out the telephone lines as soon as he came home so I was left defenseless. My sponsor, two other alanoners and their AA husbands all showed up 30 minutes later as I was pacing back forth our lawn with a load shot gun shouting obsenities at this drunk man inside my house.
From there I admitted myself to a treatment facility because I was truly homicidal. I then left my kids with my mother and went to a women's shelter for 30 days. During this time, I managed to take my nursing boards and pass. How, I do not know. I do know that if I had not detached physically for those 30 days I would have never been strong enough to step out of the situation and assess just how insane my life had become. I had choices and one of those choices was to do nothing or change nothing. With this choice, I was teaching my daughter to accept abuse and my son permission to give it out. Or I could move on and attempt to make it on my own. My father-in-law told me I could do bad all by myself. He was absolutely right.
So, I left my husband, filed for divorce and moved on, not very gracefully at first, relationship hopping and making plenty of mistakes. But I did it and I've never looked back. My now ex-husband continues to drink today. At the age of 45 he chose to try meth and was sent to prison for that over the years. The addiction gene was passed to my now 20 year old son and I've had to deal with that. But I do not regret my decision and my ex-husband thanks me for it every time he speaks to me. He loved his children dearly but he could not stop drinking for them or for himself. I had to be the one strong enough to say I'd had enough. I had to be the one strong enough to say I deserve to be treated with respect. I didn't have enough love for myself at the time, but I had that love for my children.
My son loves his father very much and I've always encouraged the relationship with boundaries. They been taught that it is not their father, but the alcohol that shows no love. My daughter, now 17, gave her father an ultimatum five years ago that either stops drinking or she would disown him. He promised he would and broke her heart again. To this day, she has never spoken to him or acknowledged him. I'm not sure that is healthy, but it was her way as a teenager in dealing with the addiction.
The bottom line is it is not about him. It is all about your daughter and your safety. Addiction does not value families or values. It is up to him on whether he gets sober. No threat of losing anything will change that. I can't tell you what to do. You know in your heart what you "need" to do or have a feeling you should do. I know that feeling very well. My biggest suggestion to you is to plan. Sit down and come up with a plan on how to move on--put money away, where would you go, etc. If you never have to use that plan, then great. But if you do have to put it into place, then you are not reacting, you will be acting. Check into women's shelters for temporary safety issues, find out where they are, call them and talk to a counselor, tell them what's going on. You don't have to make any decisions, but you can build a support network. If he is violent, he could become more so if you left. If he does't know where you are, then after awhile, he either gets clean and say, wow, what just happened, or he goes further down the tubes becaue he has lost it all. The bottom line is, you have to keep yourself safe and your child safe.
My plan took two years. I started it the day I enrolled in nursing school and I endured the abuse and the stress until I graduated. I knew in my heart what I had to do long before I acted. I also knew my salary wouldn't allow me to support two kids on my own. The day I graduated, my plan moved to the next phase. It was up to my husband whether that phase was put in place or whether it was put aside. It was up to me to free myself from the bondage of his addiction to alcohol and the bondage of my addiction to his addiction to alcohol.
Sorry if I rambled. I've been there and it is misery. But remember, doing nothing at all is a choice. You are not helpless but you are worthy. If you need permission, I will give you permission to put yourself first and your child first. Sometimes we need that permission. You have choices. You just have to be ready, just like he does.
God bless.
Floridian, that's a powerful post. What an amazing person your are. I'm so proud of what you've done. And you're right, each person's story and choices are the same yet different.
I wasn't a violent abusive alkie, but an alkie none the less. With that I made people angry, frustrated, hurt, while throwing their hands up in disgust. Yet I couldn't see that. That was a long time ago now, but I still am an alkie, I just work a program now.
Alanon has saved so many families and helped so many hit their 'bottom' in doing so.
I wish all of you well, and please keep posting to let us know if there's anymore we can do to help.
Hello!
Thank you for sharing your stories Jennifer and Floridian! I hope they help you, helpless29. What can I really add? I don't think I would want to deal with this. Being a parent of 2 children myself, I would tell you to think of your child and yourself first. Make sure both of you are out of danger! Get some support for yourself! Meetings are a good place to go if someone can watch your child. Get some phone numbers and a support group. Don't count on him to pick the child up. You sound like you are tired of being tired! Go and get some help for yourself and your child!
Keep coming back!
Ann
Wow, Floridian. Your post has left me almost speechless, with tears rolling down my face. For a long time I thought I was alone, or just stupid for staying. I know most people get tired of hearing me complain bc I never do anything, so for a long time I have kept quiet. Thank you. You made some very good points. I know I need to do something. A lot of the reasons I dont is because Im afraid of being alone. But it isnt about me. Its about me and my daughter. Our safety, our life. He half way drains all the money I make while he spends all of his on him. He wont leave, and I dont want to leave. We are on his parents property. Great grandparents who help me on a daily basis with picking my daughter up from daycare until I get off work, and on Saturdays when daycare is closed. They also have custody of his 2 oldest children. I know the only way to save myself is to have him locked up, but Im not sure if its right for him. But its the only way to get away. I have been going back and forth all week trying to decide if I need to file a police report on the stolen checks he forged my name on. That is automatic sentencing. I just need to stop feeling sorry for him. Funny, someone that is so selfish and mean to me, I feel sorry for him and dont want to hurt him. Silly I know. I have too big of a heart. Especially for someone that doesnt give a flip about his family. My next project is finding an Al-anon group in my area. I had no idea those existed until I found this website. I have to start working on my recovery. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
You know sometimes it takes that one word, one look, one person to open our eyes and realize that we aren't alone with our problems. I DO hope you get to Alanon or Naranon. They can help you so much with this. Please keep us posted. And feel free to get in touch with any one of us.
dear helpless,
i am writing this in hopes of helping you.i abused drugs for many years,i have ruined a marriage and destroyed
my family,lost jobs,etc.you name it i did it.the bottom line is no matter what anyone says,is that an addict will
not stop until they are ready to stop.the sad fact of that is it may never happen.my advice is cut off all ties and
have nothing to do with the person who is using.dont listen to the nonsense,dont help them in anyway.let every
bad thing happen that needs to,i know its harsh but you have to move on.it takes great pain and sick of being
sick and tired for an addict to quit.and they still may not.remember if dont like the results you are getting you
have to change what your doing.you need to do whats best for you,first and foremost.dont buy into any of the
bs.take charge and move on.if somewhere down the line he gets well fine,if not thats his problem.you cant wait
around and worry about.you cant save an addict,please trust me.it took me a long time to get my life together
my family quit talking to me,they wanted nothing to do with me.i lost my marriage my friends,had no money
i burned every bridge and in my case thats what had to happen,you are not responsible for anything that an
addict does,no matter what anyone says.
To all the new members, welcome to the site. Floridian, that was a great post. Thanks for opening up and sharing that with the members that needed to hear that.
In this situation, I think you need to start saving money and have an action plan. A friend, a relative, a shelter, whatever it may be, you need to have somewhere to go. Be careful with him, and try to not argue while he is drinking or using, as he may become violent. The next time he goes on a binge, you need to leave. Your daughter is your priority -- not him.
I am a few years younger than you. You are very young. You have an entire life in front of you. This is just a bump on the road. Do the right thing. However, the right thing is not allowing yourself to be abused or disrespected.
Regarding the checks: You can do whatever you wish. However, in this situation, I would file a police report. If he used these checks and they bounced, you could be held crminally liabable for his actions and his addiction. Just give it some thought.
We are here. All my best, Clint
Living a happy, joyous, and free life by embracing the mind, body, and spirit.