He's my BF of over two years, my roommate for nearly one year. He quit drinking last Tuesday, by himself, and may never go to AA.  I doubt I need to list the symptoms of withdrawal or describe the atmosphere in our house right now.  His doctor gave him Xanax and phenergan for withdrawal last Thursday and I don't think it's done him any favors, either.  I'd love to slam both bottles in the doctor's face. My BF is a zombie and I doubt the month's worth of prescriptions have more than a few pills left in either bottle.I can't help him, so I'm trying to help myself while trying to control the guilt-provoking feelings of resentment.  I'm lonely, most of all, since he shuts himself up with his computer and television all night and has no time for me anymore.

 When I told him, earlier, that I was making plans for tomorrow night, he took it personally, but I was careful to tell him that it wasn't an attack, I just couldn't sit here alone another night.  Tomorrow is the fourth anniversary of my (very serious and very nearly successful) suicide attempt and I can't let the black hole of those emotions sneak back up on me.  I'm not an addict, and I got off anti-depressants two years ago.  I just need to laugh and shake off the memories and have a good day tomorrow, and sitting here alone would not be good.

I just don't know where to draw the line between taking care of myself and still being supportive.  Especially if he sees me going out *at all* as a personal slap.  He wants me to literally sit here and wait, as if I were in a vegetative state, until he's ready to socialize again. We're both fairly reclusive, and don't do a lot of socializing, but I've always maintained a couple of friendships and I need those friends and a life outside this depressing house right now.  I got the feeling that he'd use this as an excuse to drink.  He didn't threaten it, but he said "I just can't win".

So if I do go out tomorrow night (movie, dinner), is there some way I can tell him about my plans without it coming off as witchy, or a threat, or am I just going to have to deal with the fact that his private demon is evil and tricky and if he's going to use it as an excuse, it's not on me?  I don't think I could deal with my anger and loss of respect for him if he blames me for drinking again.  And I don't like feeling like I'm held hostage.  What would you do?

Welcome, congrats to you for being supportive.  It's always great to hear that someone who is struggling has someone who cares. 

I have always felt that each person has to have some personal time, friends, and places to call their own.  You have to be healthy and happy to be in a good relationship.  In my opinion, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you going to dinner, movie or just plain visiting a friend. 

I never needed an excuse to drink, I just did it.  But it's HIS choice to drink.  Not yours.  If he makes that choice, then it's on him and him alone.  Don't let him try and blame you for that, if it happens.  

I think it's wonderful that you're alive, off meds and want to laugh and enjoy living.  I don't know if this helps or not, I wish you well.  Don't stop staying in touch.  

Thanks, Paw.  I read my post again and realized how angry it was.  How angry *I* am.  I didn't realize it until I had time to sleep on it.  I read another post about something on a dry erase board at a meeting that said "Addicts hold hostages" and I know what they mean.

Before he left for work he came in here and handed me the bottle of Xanax and told me to hide it.  There were 3 pills left out of 30, and no phenergan left.  He asked me to stay home tonight and spend it with him.  So I am. 

 I'm just scared.  I don't know what a sober "Joe" is going to be like.  I don't even know if I'll like him.  

I've always been so hands-off when it came to his drinking.  I've always communicated that I didn't approve and thought it was a waste of human potential, but I didn't complain all the time or set ultimatums.  I rarely even commented.  His mom is on the liver transplant list because she drank hers to shreds.  If that wasn't enough to get through to him, then nothing I could say would matter.  And since most of the time I couldn't even tell if he'd been drinking, it often just wasn't an issue.  But it sure is now.

Thank you SO much for giving me a place to vent.  It's nice to know we're not alone.  I still hope he'll find the courage to go to AA, I think it would be the making of him.  He's the most amazing person I've ever met. 

One more question, please: is it normal for him to be so angry?  I can't figure that one out!!  I don't even know why he's angry. Not all the time, but he's had two attacks on the kitchen, throwing things, breaking things, yelling (not at me), then he quietly cleaned it all up and came upstairs to tell me about it. I am bewildered. 

Just yesterday evening I was having a conversation with someone about the importance of having friends outside of a relationship.  Someone that is your friend, and not his.  This is important, mostly for situations like this.  You need to get your mind off of everything, and be able to be your own person.  In relationships, a lot of couples merge into a unit for so long, they forget that they once had an independent life from each other.  And it's okay for you to want to get out.  You should not feel any bit of guilt for it. 

 

It is normal to be snappy, depressed, and angry while detoxing.   In my own experience, it was like I just lost a best friend.  So, the emotions he is having are most likely normal.  But in my own humble opinion, he needs to own his addiction.  He needs to go get help, or go to a meeting.  He has to find some accountability, so that things can begin to change.  And then you want have to be in the middle of all of this.  In my own experience, I would not be sober without having other sober alcoholics/addicts in my life!  He needs to get off the couch. 

 

I am glad you found us.  Please let us know how it goes for you!  Clint 

Yeah, anger is a big part of the process, but he needs someone to talk to outside the relationship as much as you do.  Please encourage him to attend a meeting or two until he finds one he's comfortable with.  Go to an open meeting together, if that will help him along.  Clint's right though, and I think you know this, but it's his disease, not yours.  But you have to be healthy and you have to educate yourself on addiction.  Sounds like the two of you know what you want, now you have to take the steps to work at it.  Keep coming back.

thank you so much for this i really see all the hell i put my family through and i do also welcome you to the site.  one day at a time hon.  you need to take care of yourself too and if this means a movie and dinner then it would be good for you to do.. my name is kimmy and i really can relate to you, your not alone.

take care of your self, ok.

thank you

Thank you!  Thank you! 

So we got through this first crisis.  We spent tonight talking, and I got answers to the questions I had, I understand a lot more, and I no longer feel so angry. I gave back the 3 remaining Xanax, but not until I voiced my opinion on how taking more than the prescribed dose to the point of incoherence is any different from drinking.  At least his doctor made it clear this was a one-time-only prescription. No one has commented on the Xanax, is it a taboo subject?  I'm sorry if it is, I am too grateful to you to ever wish to do that.

I too hope that he will look into AA.  He's talking about a spiritual calling and it's so obvious that he could find what he's looking for by coming to meetings and working the program.  The social anxiety is probably what will stop him; he can't even eat a meal in a restaurant with me. It's going to be interesting to see if that is remedied by not drinking. He wasn't nearly so bad when we first met. He was considering law school two years ago, who knows where he could go if he fights this.

I do make time to do things with my friends, without him, and it's not usually an issue. I think he felt that if I stepped out this time it would signal the end, he admitted to feeling guilty for how he's behaved this week, and apologized.  And we have become joined at the hip, but it's always been the friendship we've treasured more than any other component.

I love that word; accountability!  That and responsibility.  Funny to me how two ideas that seemed like shackles when I was younger were actually the path to freedom.   When you've lived a full good day and done all that you should, you don't have to answer to anyone, ultimately. It's when you think you don't *have* to answer to anyone that you need to be checking yourself.

I always want to know why someone stays with someone with problems like this.  In my case, it was because he came along right after my (now ex-) husband disappeared after he'd put $10k on a company credit card and was facing possible criminal charges, I just found out our house was in foreclosure, and the gas got turned off. We'd been separated for the previous year but he'd been saying he was coming back and was still paying all of my bills.  I was agoraphobic,myself, and rarely left the house.  I met my BF in the middle of all this and while he was cautious and kept a safe (and sane, IMO) amount of distance, and didn't give me the easy way out by just giving me the money to bail me out, he was still there for me through it all as I re-built my life.  He was MY accountability, always challenging me when I felt like giving up, and I don't think I could have done it without him, and doing it in a way that helped me earn back my self-respect.  How do you thank someone for that?

I'm going to talk to my brother who is an NA sponsor this weekend.  He and my BF aren't close, they're vastly different, but I'm hoping we can figure out who would be a good match for him to talk to among his NA/AA friends (he knows everybody, apparently), and try to find an AlAnon meeting that fits my crazy work schedule. I want the name and number of someone on hand in case he has an epiphany, and I want him to envy my serenity and strength that will invariably come from the meetings.  Isn't that what someone meant by saying that you can make the horse thirsty?

I've uncorked quite a bottle tonight, my apologies!  Even if no one read this, it would still be such a relief to get it all out. Thanks again, from the bottom of my heart.

 Lastly, to kimmy:  the only way you could've put anyone through any kind of hell was because they loved you, which makes you loveable. That's a warm soft feeling to carry around.  I hope you do!

 MsB

 

Great post!!  Read every word and commend you on your strength.  Keep on keepin' on. 

Hello MsB,

I don't believe the Xanax is a taboo subject.  If the doctor knows why s/he is prescribing it (and your bf didn't tell him or her something otherwise), then I would assume it is fine.  Especially since there might be other things that the doctor is aware of.

I hear how much he means to you in your post.   Going to meetings is always a great thing.  What we meant by the "horse thirsty" comment is that you can not make him do something, he has to do it for himself.

So it is good that you are communicating to each other.  Keep encouraging him to take the next step.   And keeping yourself occupied is good too!

Glad you are back here.  Clint 

Great stuff. Websites like this are a great asset for people who are suffering, whether it's from addiction, or the pain of a love one who watches. Everyone on this website has an awful lot of experience, strength and hope to share. I'm glad I joined Sober.com.

MsB, you may also benefit from going to Alanon meetings. They have meetings for people like yourself, who have a loved one who is an alchoholic. It'll get you out of the house, you can make some friends with people who have the same situation and get that support you need. You can find more about it at www.al-anonfamilygroups.org   There's nothing like real person to person contact for all of us who suffers, and no longer wants to.

Your first obligation is to yourself. If this BF especially if he's a livein is jepordizing your sobriety, you need to make sure that doesn't happen. Perhaps taling to his physician to gain some support. I am glad to see you bringing this issue up here. One of the really sick things about being one of us is that occasionally a delusional thought will seem perfectly rational to us. We need to talk to our sober contacts and get support and at least other opinions before we act. Unless you can convey your message without being confrontational, you will probably need help. Lean on your supports. Encourage your partner to get supports who will give him good advice. I hate to say it, but sometimes separating until you are both on the same path is the best way to go. Please don't let this person's addiction drag you back into that world. You deserve better.

If he thinks that his way is best, then have him let you or someone he trusts administer his medication. That's what would happen in a formal detox environment. Stay in touch with us here. There is a wealth of knowledge and support that will be given freely and with love and understanding.

 

Tank you for posting such a detailed description of your situation. It helps all of us to understand what each of us has to go through and the kinds of solutions that sober people propose. I have been sober for over 20 years and I am still learning new things on how to handle "life" on almost a daily basis. Please stay in touch with us. We are here for you and your friend.

 

Well everyone has pretty much said everything I would of even thought of & then some. I'll go ahead & touch on the xanax subject tho. Your completely correct taking any excessive amount of these things is not good. I know how they affect you I used them recreationaly. And they could  have and most likely affected his actions and attitude this week, they're a severely mood altering substance for good and bad. But if used properly they will help but if there's only 3 left then its a lil too late for them to be used properly. Now the point I want to bring up I think somebody kinda touched on this but from the sounds of it he basicly replaced alcohol with these xanax and thats not a good thing. If he goes about replacing this with that it will not solve anything and could possibly send him into a horrible relapse involving alcohol and drugs. I can tell your heart is in it for the long run and I wish the both of you the best of luck. Just remember this is just my point of view and honest opinion take what you wish and leave the rest behind. Keep us updated too!!

~Phil