You will feel what you feel and so you should. I have compassion for you.
As far as handling fear and pain, you seem to have a faith in a higher power. That has to be your source of stregth in times like this, and we mortals can never figure out the whys. As a wise man once told me, all you can do is "turn It Over". luv
Keith Bray, BA, MCLC
Coached To Success/Hope & Serenity
Coaching "The Creative Theory of Life Recovery"
Hello Ernie!
I'm sorry for your loss! Thank you for sharing the outcome of this with us, even though it wasn't happy. A lot of people wouldn't bother. You are helping people see what can happen if they don't get help. Give yourself time to heal. Don't give up on your higher power! Continue to pray for your other daughter. I hope she finds her way! We are here if you want to talk. I hope you are comforted and find peace in your lives.
God bless you and your family!
Ann
I am struggling terribly with the hitting bottom approach. I also have a daghter who is an IV Heroine user. She turns 21 today. What a birhtday. She has gone through 3 residential rehabs and 5 sober living houses. She hasn't stayed clean for more than 5 months since the age of 15. (Using IV Heroin only over the last year). She says she wants a real life and a relationship with her family and to become a person of integrity. yet she is terribly depressed even on Suboxone and other psych meds, and tends to hide in sleep as much as she is allowed. She has a hard time believing she will ever find happiness without drugs. And although I think she believes it when she says she wants to get well, She is flakey and unaccountable; manipulative, misses appointments and eventually makes the wrong friends at meetings or in recovery and goes out. Steals from those she loves, lies, etc.
So I have been trying to pull back, let go let god and all that, and accept the fact that I know she is selling her body for drugs and lucky if she eats a piece of bread in a day. So today... she just devuldged to me that she went home with a man that takes "care" of girls in her position, giving them money for drugs and food in exchange for service. He has a room set up with chains and a swing and handcuffs and about 6 computers with porn on the screen. He walks around naked and locks her in a room "so she won't steel". He told her that she needs to get permission to leave. I understand that most people feel that this may be a good thing and that now she may finally reach her bottom (probebaly after being raped and beaten and robbed of her phone, wallet and car keys so that she will have no contact with the outside world. But if she gets out she will have really learned a lesson. Maybe.
So I broke the cardinal rule because I figure what good is this marvelous lesson if she just winds up dead or he never lets her our of there. So I pleaded with her to get out of there. I told her if she goes back there I will call the police. This guy is sick and twisted and dangerous. She got a call from a friend from her last treatment program who miraculously remembered her birthday and invited her to come and let him cook her dinner and stay the night. Her "maste" let her out, keeping her GPS for collateral.
It just makes me think that there has to be another way. Its like research in this area isn't valued because after all were just dealing with a bunch of lying dirty addicts. There is a drug -actually it is from the bark of a root from the Iboga plant -called Ibogaine. It was approved for clinical trials years ago by the FDA. The Dr. conducting the research had remarkable results but ran out of money and hasn't been able to find funding for further clinical studies. It is successfully being used in Mexico and Canada and numerous other countries. Actually can arrest the addiction -rest the computer so to speak, often with only 1 treatment.
We as a society have let down those suffering from this disease. We recognize that it is a disease, and that when actively using they are out of their minds and incapable of making a rational choice. And yet we criticize their poor choices. We know that Heroine addicts have a 10% chance of recovery, yet we still are OK telling them go out and crash and burn and then the light may go on iIF THEY LIVE (after all they are so resourceful and crafty that they just might be in the lucky 10%). We hear the miraculous stories of the ones that make it but the ones who didn't don't show up to speak at meetings. But its all OK because they own their choices and we did everything we could. Or did we??
Yes I sound angry and hurt and scared...because I am.
Mom,
You are absolutely correct, in my opinion, on wanting to call the police. I believe this to be the rational decision on your part. I think this is as bottomed out as she can get, having to live with this type of individual. For her to do this, I would really assume that there are some major underlying psychological issues, as you mentioned.
We normally recommend for parents, friends, and loved-ones, to not allow and manipulate the addiction. That is, don't give money, don't give shelter, etc. etc. Especially under the circumstances that the addict will continue to use and abuse drugs. But in this situation, I think the practical resolvance would be to take this to the necessary authorities. In no way does this sound legal, and your daughter cannot make rational decisions at this point.
Does your daughter have any outstanding warrants? Anything that will get her off the street and into a jail where she can be safe and detox? She might need time to think about where she is, and being in a cell might help her out. Don't be afraid to get help from police.
Let us know. We are here for you. Clint
Living a happy, joyous, and free life by embracing the mind, body, and spirit.
Hello and welcome to forum! I totally agree with Clint the authorities should be contacted in this situation.I am an addict in recovery and I ALSO HAVE A 23 YEARS OLD SON WHO HAS BEEN iv USER SINCE EARLY 2006. We are also ready to put him out one more time if he does not adhere to the policies we have set... My son also caught up in the Benzo ,ssri,pschotopics mess as he also deals with OCD,MANIC DEPRESSION,ANGER ETC..i AM AN ACTIVE MEMBER OF Narcotics anonymous for myself and Naranon for families of addicts.co-dependancy,addiction and all things that go with it are devastating to all.I do also believe your daughter first needs to be "cleared out of drugs in her system.(my son got clean in jail)My son was clean also almost 2 years and then has just recently relapesed 2x.He doesnt seem to want recovery and we are also dealing with the 'PUT THEM OUT to reach bottom or support when we can(which so easily turns into enabling)The only real part in all of this is if the addict isnt ready to 'SURRENDER" JAILS,CHAINS,THREATS,STREETS,ETC wont work.Will they hit bottom before worst results?The everything we could do you talk about is to "make sure you also dont go under"as you get caught up.SO EASY TO SAY AND THEN TO DO,believe me we are right there with you.For 25 years ,i lived this life until one morning I CAME TO 'and totally surrendered".many with me didint make it,but I had to do it,no one could help me..I read this story of a father says"its like a train coming down the tracks(drugs) you see it coming so you say to the person get out of the way,I'LL TAKE THE HIT,BUT LATER YOU REALIZE THAT ALL THAT BRINGS IS YOU BEING DEAD AND THE PERSON STANDING ON ANOTHER SET OF TRACKS!!!i WILL KEEP YOU IN PRAYER AND SHARE YOUR GRIEF,I HAVE PUT MINE IN THE HANDS OF MY HP(higher power) as just like the addict I am powerless...but always remain hopeful.Sorry for long diatribe but We have been in the mix for awhile also and it takes its toll if you can't let it go.. Keep coming backlet us know how things are going I sincerely wish you peace.......
MIKE F
Hi, Tamario. Sad to say, I can relate to all the emotions you are going through. Aside from the pain and agony, the sadness and tears, the loss of hope for their future (and yours!), the loneliness, the desperation, and the helplessness, there's the doubt. How can I, how can anyone NOT try to help their baby girl? If I do this or that will it help or hurt? Should I let her fall or should I pick her up? And if she falls too far, why didn't I try to save her? If you've read through these posts, you know that I lost my oldest daughter 2 months ago today. I know I'm speaking from within a cloud of grief and my thoughts aren't always clear-headed. But in this society with the prevailing attitudes about drugs and drug users, there was absolutely nothing I could legally do to save her. There are too many pushers to shoot them all, and they are God's sinful and dirty children just as we are. I could try locking her up, but it's illegal and I can't go to jail and leave my wife uncared for. And Mel would have found a way out, no matter where. Only she could save herself, and only when she was ready. You just pray that they live long enough to get there.
I was as much a part of the problem as anyone. Even as a Christian, to me the addicts were the ragged Army coat wearing, long greasy haired good-for-nothings you saw out after dark. Where's the priority for dealing with that? I won't see them again until I have to come down to THIS part of town again. Then one day two of them snuck into my house. But they had clean clothes on, and clean hair, and they talked so lovingly...Daddy, can you help me? Of course I could; I'm their Dad! But I didn't know what to do or who to call. I couldn't even find a hospital that would take them in to detox, not without insurance. There were too many people with REAL sicknesses. To them, my two loving girls were the bums in the alley. You probably know the rest of the story. I tried every thing I could think of, all to no avail. So I grieve over one and fret over the other.
This country needs a new attitude of love and desperation for the sickness of addiction. But how many Senators' and Representatives' children have to get hooked before they realize the gravity of it? I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
I wish there was a bottom line, Tamario, but I don't think there is. You and the rest of us will do as we feel like we have to or do what we are told needs to be done. And our addicted children will do what they want to, either way.
God bless you, and may He grant you every prayerful thing you ask of Him,
Ernie
today is the next step in the journey......paw
Hi SoSadDad...I hope this finds you...I tried to get back to you after you answered my post, but I got a notification that my message didn't reach you. I guess i am kind of a novice at message boards and blogging.
When I had responded initially to your post, I hadn't really noticed the date was 2007. I related to your anguish though. It wasn't until after I posted that I read your more recent entry and realized the outcome. I am so very sorry to hear about our loss. There are no words of comfort. I can only imagine the hole left inside you. From my experience with loss the hole never goes away we just somehow learn to live with it. If you other daughter is still "out there", you must be dizzy with fear. The truth is you did everything you could possibly do with what you had to work with -which comes down to a lack of adequate treatment, resources and research in our country, and probably mixed messages from well meaning friends and relatives who have never lived it and probably think it could never happen to them...not to mention mixed messages even from the recovery community. Because what works for one may not work for another. One person tells me his father took him in and saved his life. Another says it was only until his parents would have nothing to do with him that he found the strength within himself. Some get well after one or more rehabs. Others reach the notorious bottom and then start their journey. Possible treatments like what I described (Ibogaine) probably wont get picked up by pharmaceutical companies because they find on-going long-term medications much more lucrative. Lets face it an awful lot of revenue is generated by addiction.
To all my Sober.com friends...You might remember that my 31 year old daughter Melanie died from illicit drugs on September 20, 2009. It was the saddest day of my life. Now I have a new saddest day. On July 16, 2011, my other daughter Jennifer, 28, died from a heart attack, aggravated by illicit drugs. Brenda and I are devastated. Parents for 33 of our 38 married years, we are once again childless. Like Melanie, Jenn tried so hard to beat her addiction to heroin. But her heartache over losing her sister made it very difficult to concentrate on herself and her recovery. She was doing much better the last six months. But I found her in her room slumped over on the floor by her bed. She was already gone. That image is burned on my brain, along with the soundtrack of Brenda, her mom, wailing in the background. How are we to survive this? We will, but how? She had lived with us for the last year, and we saw her, and heard her voice every day. And we have had such fun with her, especially as she seemed to be improving. Now it is over and only the memories remain, clouded over by the grief. God in His infinite wisdom knows why they are both gone, and what good will come of it. But we don't, and it is such a waste to us. Melanie and Jennifer were our past and our future, and they are no more. Where is the reason in that? And yet our faith is everything, and all that we have. It's hard to stay angry at the only One who can sustain you. But it's also hard to see His love in this. We will survive. I just hope our loving God can see the pain and frustration, and look past our anger and frustration and our endless questions "why?" If you pray, please pray for us. And love your children with all your heart, for every moment of your life.
Sincerely,
Ernie Laughlin
My heart is with you. I too am a Father and can only imagine, I stress the word imagine, the itense feeling of loss you and your wife feel. The experience os losing a lioved one to this disease I only know from the loss of my Father and in turn , my self through active addiction. Forgiving the transgression has been my only way of movingon. I have lived with addiction through n=my lifespan, as surviving child, active addict and also as a parent of four. I survived, as you are and will, unknowingly, how?
We have no answers, sometime not even questions. Just pain and sadness. This is juxtoposed to the incrediblt joy we have lodged in our memories of all those FIRSTS. That is what we have. FIRSTS we can only conjure up from memories long tucked away. Those joyful experiences bring a smile to our hearts, mine gows warm as I fondly recall some firsts.
That is what I have to offer to you my grieving Father, in repsone to your first here with us. The loss not one but two of the most precious gifts we could ever know. My sadness is genuinley more real for having shared your loss. Please stay with us and know additional support is here.
Dr J
Sober.com Team
Thanks, Dr. J. Actually, my first visit here was on December 12, 2007, while both of my girls were still alive. I received a lot of compassion and some good advice. And I appreciate your comments now. It was anclear to me just where you are in your journey with addiction. But if you're not where you want to be, I pray that you will get there, and survive. We will survive. We just don't know why or how right now.
God bless you,
You are in our thoughts and prayers. I have actually thought about your story every single day since you posted it. I wish there was something that we could do to ease your pain during this trying time. God bless you and your wife.
Wow, I am SO sorry for your loss. As others have said. I cannot conceive what it's like to lose a child. I can understand loss though. And I DO feel your pain in that respect. I know people that have lost their one and only child and dealt with the same questions about their GOD has you have raised. Some went on to hold to that faith while others abandoned it. All I can say, sadly though, your life goes on. And maybe some day you can be at peace knowing they are no longer using. With my deepest sympathy Pat.