My 23 year old son is a alcoholic/user. He has moved back home, is unemployed and has no car. Right now he is passed out on the front lawn. His only sibling died four years ago of an O.D./ ?suicide. She was the light of our life. We never saw it coming. They were "irish twins". (16 months apart) I feel as though I lost both my children that day. I have decided my "deal brakers" were if he ever became abusive or stole from me. So far he has done neither. But tonight his behavior borders on the abusive. I am not sure I have the strength to kick him out. I feel like I can't move forward in my life while he is here and using. Any advice would be appreciated.
Let me start with welcoming you to the site. Then let me tell you that you are certainly not alone in this. As a matter of fact it's getting to be way too common.
It would be a good thing for you to attend Alanon or Naranon meetings. We say this alot, but they can/have been a life line for so, so many people. As MikeF so nicely puts it, they will show you how to 'detach with love'. You'll get phone numbers from members to call when you're in a bind or just need someone to talk to. They teach you boundaries to set and how to stand on your own two feet. Help you what to say, and how to let the addict deal with his/her own addiction.
The simple truth, (another thing we say alot here), is that you have to let him have his addiction. Don't make it yours too. He has to be held accountable for his own choices.
When he's sick and tired of being sick and tired, (hits his bottom), then HE WILL SEEK HELP. He has to want it, not you.
I hoped this helped some. There are others on site with the same problem and I'm in hopes that they will reach out to you. Let us know how you and he are doing. We're here when you need us.
today is the next step in the journey......paw
Hello mother of 1!
I also am glad you found us here.everything Paw stated is in duplicate for me also.The most difficult thing we have to do is"let go" especially with the situation that has already occurred in your life.An addict must first reach the level of surrender before anything can happen,As much as we think we can "fix" it we cant'We can learn to take care of ourselves though..I highly suggest you find a group that can help you focus ,not on your addict but your sanity..Try and remember that we get worse than our addicts when we continually try to fix them..keep comin back here to share your feelings and try to stay grounded in this day(or hour or minute)I will keep you in prayer and hope to hear back peace mikef
MIKE F
Hello Motherof1!
I think going to meetings and getting yourself a support group are good ideas. Get some phone numbers and call people. You don't have to deal with this by yourself! There are also parents of children in recovery on this site. You can move foward, set rules and consequences. Stick to them.
Keep coming back!
Ann
Thanks everyone for your support. I haven't gone to a meeting but think it is worth a shot. For the first time in my life I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about this. Tonight I got home from work and my son was again drunk and mad because I wouldn't let him have the car keys. He was really scaring me. This is new for him. He has never vented his rage on me before. He used to be the guy that liked to go to bars, get drunk and get in fights. He has always been very gentle an loving to me. I actually am afraid he is going to hurt me. I don't know how to go about making him move out. The thought of him on the streets scares me. I think he is one step away from hurting himself seriously. I called a friend of his tonight and he came a picked Will (my son)up. I don't really want to call the cops on him but I don't know what to do. I have always had the support of my friends and family but now I am almost too embarrased to talk to them about it. I think they must be getting tired of the drama in my life. (I certainly am!)
Hello!
I think a meeting might be good. You won't have to worry about what your friends and neighbors, and other family members think. Most of the people are in the same situation as you. Maybe hearing their story, or sharing your story will help you. Your tired, and you don't have to put up with this! Having him come home drunk every night is not helping either one of you! You don't need violence in your life. No one deserves that! Tell him to stop drinking/using or he will have to leave.
Thanks for the support. I am so afraid of making him leave home. Almost more afraid then I am of him hurting me. I have already lost one child and I could not bear to lose my remaining child no matter how awful he may sometimes be. If I kick him out it will be like me saying, "I am putting my needs above yours." How can a mother do that?
It doesn't mean you are a bad parent! What are your other options? Rehab, Detox, Jail, A sober living house? If you set rules, will he stick to them? Some of these other parents on this site have kids your sons age. I hope they will share their stories with you. I didn't want to listen to anyone or get sober until I hurt enough. That is when I wanted to hurt myself. Don't wait for him to be like that.
You can't let HIS ADDICTION take over your life. He's NOT going to stop until he can't dig the hole any deeper. As long as you let him stay at the house, look the other way when he takes something and pawns it, uses the phone to make 'deals', pay the bills for the roof over his head, food in his belly and the clothes on his back, why should he quit.......
His thoughts are, and this is the addiction talking, "She won't do anything about it." "She don't care." She'll take care of it." And believe me that's the way the addictive mind works. There IS nothing else but the next high. the next fix, the next drink. That's the way we are.
I've been there, I promised them time and time again. Let him own his addiction. Give it all to him. I love how MIKEF puts it, "detaching with love." Keep coming back.
Hey MOMof2,...and I say that because you are...now...and always.
I agree with Paw.
It's all about the next high...the next fix...the next drink. There is nothing else...there is no one else. It is the way we are. Yes, we will love a person..but we will walk right over them to get it. You can't expect rational behavior...Will's behavior will be anything but.
I agree with everyone. Alanon meetings will help you. My kids went and so did my hubby. They did learn "detaching with love"...and most importantly they learned how to stop being enablers.
I can't imagine what you are going through. I only have the experience of seeing it from the addicts viewpoint. But I am also a mother of 6 (5 living) ....and I have lost a child. Not in the way you have, but a mother's loss is a mother's loss...nevertheless. I understand your pain and not wanting to lose you son. So my best words of advice to you it that you get to the meetings and learn the tools you need that will best help him...and you.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers tonite. (((((HUGS))))))
CJlovestigger... I'm a work in progress
Thanks so much for your support. Actually, I did call Alanon and go to a meeting. It was so helpful, you all were right! I really need to have the support and experience of others that have been through it. I plan to "keep coming back"!
It is also nice to know this site is here for "emergencies"!
Thanks,
Mary
I'm so glad that you not only went to the meeting but found it to your liking. "I love it when a plan comes together!!!" And we're always here.
Hello Mary!
Glad you liked your meeting! Get a list of phone numbers so you can call people. Look forward to hearing more from you!
Let us know how it goes!