She called me completely out of the blue.  I was a massage client of hers for 10 years.  

She told me she wasn't practicing anymore because she was ill. I invited her to lunch the next day.

When we met in town she said, “I want to go to Joe’s.  I want their snails as an appetizer and steak, onions and eggs for lunch. Oh, and I mustn't forget their mint iced Chai!”  “Wow! Bossy!”I thought! But the thought disappeared the second I saw her walker.

I've come to learn,  Denise always asks for what she wants!  “OK!"  I muttered to myself. "OK, take her there. Give her what she wants. Even tough you'd rather go for a salad."  It seemed like an easy compromise. 

The entire lunch was spent with her doing most of the talking. “Drs. are completely perplexed by my sudden lack of coordination and muscle strength. And all this weight loss. Look how big my pants are!” I know she was trying not to complain.  But to me, she sounded like a run on sentence and I couldn’t get a word in edge wise. It took everything for me to just breathe.   

I  didn't call her back after our lunch date. I my emotions were out of control, wild. "What if she asked me for help?"  What if I couldn’t say, “No?"  “What if she becomes dependent on me?” What if, “I’m her only hope?”  “What is she has no one to talk to?”

She called me.

There she was, enthusiastic, but, commanding, "I want to see you!”  

I was very nervous. I had no idea what I’d be walking in to. "Was her condition worse?” “What if I couldn’t do what she wanted?”  "How much help does she need from me anyway?"

The battle was clear. I wanted to act more freely but the only words that would come out of my mouth were, "OK, I'll come by."

She was sitting on her couch, knees crossed; her bright eyes swallowing mine the second they made contact.  

She was so comfortable. "Would you make me a cup of Green tea?  The tea is on the middle shelf behind the Jasmine on the left. But, don't boil the water.  Stay by the kettle until it's almost boiling. Then while it's steeping, would you please plunge the toilet?  I noticed everything didn't go down this morning."  

I listened carefully. So many things were going on. I wanted to please her. I wanted to be as comfortable as she was asking for what I wanted. I wanted to feel like I wasn’t a flawed person because I couldn’t stomach looking at her poop. I wanted to help.  I wanted her not to ask me for anything.  

While the water was boiling Denise told me she had Multiple Scleroses. She had no mobility on her left side and proceeded with extreme caution when she moved her right. With no strength, she tried to smile. I sank into feelings of guilt and obligation, instantly dismissing my own sense of well-being. 

When she said she didn't have a computer, couldn’t read for long periods of time and hadn’t taken a shower in over three years I was besides myself. I was certain I’d be asked to fix things.

She told me about a neighborhood group of helpers who came in daily to attend to her meals, household chores, personal hygiene and more. I felt relief for a couple of minutes. But not for too long.  Because I just could not reckon with those repetitive thoughts of, “Where do I fit into this picture?”

I showed her Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). Tapping, a self-help tool where a person can tap on 8 key areas of the face, chest and head to relieve stress. This was completely spontaneous on my part, springing from my own wrists clanking together, from increasing anxiety.

A few days later she left me a very upbeat message about how she tried tapping and felt so relaxed. When I called her back I she was in the middle of having her hair washed. I was convinced she wanted to put me on the helper list too, certain her next call would be for me to help her with something intimate.  Boy, I did not want to do that!

I was disgusted at the thought of it actually. “I’m close with her, but not that close! Nor do I want to be!” I was definitely not going to do anything that exposed her private parts! And, I was certainly was not going to tell her that either.

Instead, I imagined her asking me to do something I didn’t want to do.  “But you must!"  I remind myself again. “This could be you!  Alone!  Helpless!” 

“Then the guilt. The huge dilemma of not wanting to do something I know I should do. That would be wrong!  Especially, since I think of myself as a good person. I should want to pitch in. Then, I’m Angry.  Angry that she'd even ask! The nerve!”

I watched myself build story after story in my head. Stories that provided evidence for how much Denise was needing and how first chance she had, she’d pounce me with a list of 'to dos'!  I swear, "If I walked up to her house right then, I would have punched her in the nose!”  “I hated her for being so needy!”

But she didn't ask.  A few day passed.

Even though the ruckus in my mind continued and I didn’t really want to call her, I did anyway.  I brought her freshly roasted turkey and homemade spit pea soup. I didn’t know I was going to say this, especially before we even said, “Hello,” But my  body stiffened and I just blurted out,  “Look, Denise. I want to be helpful., but I am having difficulty determining what is being helpful, and what is going against my nature. In those times, It’s very difficult for me to say, No. I need to say No, to you. No, when I don’t want to do something you ask me to do.  No, when I can’t.”    

We sat together for what seemed like a crazy long time hoping the entire time that I would represent myself accurately, not seem like an insensitive rat or some selfish ***.

There was no awkwardness about it. She was so matter of fact when she replied, “We’re always only doing our best. Wherever you are is fine. It’s so easy for me to ask for what I want, because it’s so easy for me to say, No as well. No problem.”

Right then and there I felt validated by her willingness to accept me as I am. I also felt uplifted for being more real in this relationship.  Now there's a possibility of our actually becoming friends.