Addiction, Recovery and Relationships Blog-RelationshipVision, The Online Relationship Training Resource... - All Comments

re: Diagnosing Addiction: The sooner addiction is detected the more favorable the prognosis.

karen786 — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 05:12:01 GMT

On checking the statistics for offenses committed under the influence of drug and alcohol abuse in Texas, it is seen that most of these people are of the age group of 18 to 25 years. This means that there is a large number of youth that are into substance abuse in Texas and these are proving to be a threat to the stability of the state as well.

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Karen Walter

re: "No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Sobriety!"

Alex101 — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 03:59:24 GMT

I was in a relationship with some one during my sobriety period with a girl for 6 months, though i was going under regular episodes and intimate relations are not suppose to happen but i think that emotional attachment with some one is helpful to recover.

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Alex101

<a href="http://addictionrecovery.net/new-york">http://addictionrecovery.net/new-york</a>

<a href="http://addictionrecovery.net/new-york">Addiction Recover New York</a>

re: Introducing… The Relationship Model of Addiction

RelationshipVision — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 22:42:45 GMT

Hello,

My step-daughter completed 6 weeks of rehab between December, 2007 and January, 2008. Since coming back to her home state, I've only seen her twice - but her dad and I live 4 hours away. She is now an un-wed, pregnant 19 year old with no stable home or work base. When I asked her how many days she had been clean, she couldn't tell me.

Is that odd for her NOT to know the length of time she's been sober?

Her recovery - to this point - has never included attending any AA or NA meetings or being involved with a support group or church affliation. She has gone back to her old "playground and playmates," but says she isn't using or smoking.

She and I are not close, but I still am concerned about her health and wellness. I am glad to have at least discovered this website to help me understand what she's going through and help me feel more compassionate and feel empowered to help her if she chooses to reach out.

This message was generated from a contact form at: http://www.sober.com/blogs/relationship_recovery/

It was submitted by CY (cyhward@yahoo.com)

Response from Daniel ......

Rule of thumb: After detox and rehab, Aftercare continues and includes rigorous ongoing involvement in a support group several times a week, if not every day, i.e 12-Step and/or some kind of recover group, as well on-going individual out patient therapy in which you focus on yourself, re-building the relationship with yourself. Sustaining sobriety and stabilization is a huge enough challenge by itself and generally is not accomplished unless the proper supports are in place. During this initial phase of recovery, it usually takes a year or so of intensive self-work to learn how to cope and live without having to get high. It takes time to become much more self-aware, and learn how to nourish and rely on yourself, clarify your priorities and live by them. You step-daughter may need reminders that stabilization and recovery is an on-going process that requires commitment and participation on a daily basis and that changing her social network to one that supports recovery is what she is up against at this time.

re: "No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Sobriety!"

RelationshipVision — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 01:10:05 GMT

Hello Amymarie,

When you are hoping that yours will be one of the few, and you're are going against all odds despite the sense you are doomed, when you know that you could be heading for disaster, and you continue on, consider the possibility that your addiction -- the need to relieve pain -- may be the driving force behind your behavior, and denial becomes wishful thinking. It may help to view recovery as a process of transformation that takes time, experience and growth. You're going from being driven by your addiction (co-dependency), of relying on relationships to supply the love you never got in your family of origin to acting from awareness, self-knowledge, self-reliance, confidence and independence, no longer relying on a source outside of yourself to satisfy what is missing, but rather going within. When you are hoping to be one of the few who defy the odds and despite your sense that you may be falling back into a pattern of sabotage and doom. You may be rationalizing what may be, for all intents and purposes, a relapse of using relationships for relief, depending on a source outside of yourself to satisfy what is missing, and it is not a "higher power" being referred to here.

The question you raise is difficult to answer, "How do you know when you are ready to step into the arena of intimacy, as well sexual intimacy? It varies according to what stage of recovery you are. When your thinking is along the lines of being one of the few who defy the odds, you don't seem to be aware of what lies at the core of your motivation. When you' proceed headlong into a relationship despite your own doubts of readiness, it smacks of the inability to delay gratification, of settling for what feels good in the moment, of what is easy, safe and familiar. You say that you know you need to walk away, but you just can't, "you may be powerless and your life unmanageable. This doesn't sound like learning the hard way, as you're afraid it may be, but rather doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. I recommend that you develop your own program and self-report, i.e. journal your progress. Give yourself a few more months.

I imagine that to be one of the few, both people would have reached the place of readiness, both people have gained the necessary understanding, experience and skills to make one possible, both people are aligned in purpose and it is no longer that their addiction is no longer driving their behavior.

re: "No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Sobriety!"

amymarie — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 11:37:07 GMT

Hi, I am new to this site but am desperately seeking support on relationships in recovery. I am 2.5 years around and gave myself 18mths of abstinance from sex and intimate relationships. I have been in one with a man also in recovery that was dysfuntional and ended with bad feeling, in fact the majority of time if i am been true to myself i always had a gut feeling that it was going nowhere but down. Anyway i ended it as the risk of relapse was just around the corner. I am very proud that i had the strenth and wisdom to do so.

Heres the thing though while i made a decision to focus on myself and stay single for a while to get that love and respect which only i can give me i ended up in another relationship.This was due to a number of reasons : instant gratification, loneliness, needing to feel needed and sex.Everything in me was saying don't go there cos you are entering a realm of powerlessness but the feelings of desire and want took over and i was there before i could say the word oops.

The man is new to recovery, while he is trying he still uses cannabis and it is just consuming me today.

I think at this stage i know what i need to do which is the responsible thing and walk away but i am hoping that it will be o.k and that we will be one of the small percentage that works.do i need to constantly learn the hard way?

re: Introducing… The Relationship Model of Addiction

jmathew — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 10:01:21 GMT

Are you suffering from any addiction ?

here is a good chance to recover .

jmathew

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re: "No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Sobriety!"

shanwarne — Thu, 22 May 2008 10:33:43 GMT

Hi i am shan warne, i visited this website and it is very intresting and i need the details of it

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re: Introducing… The Relationship Model of Addiction

RelationshipVision — Sun, 18 May 2008 22:41:08 GMT

The spiritual component of The Relationship Model of Addiction is its emphasis on relationships; with oneself as well as with others. The Relationship Model of Addiction views addiction/dependency as a relationship with a source of relief of pain stemming from unmet emotional needs in family of origin relationships, as well as current ones. A longstanding lack of emotional nourishment or emotional deprivation is not only a way of understanding etiology or the underlying driving force of any addiction, there are important treatment implications. The recovering addict must learn self care and skills necessary to create and sustain sober and emotionally nourishing relationships, which will reduce the level of pain related to unconscious unmet emotional needs as the s/he will learn to be self reliant and receive much needed emotional nourishment which has long eluded him/her, thus also reducing the risk of relapse. It doesn't emphasize "conscious contact with God" as much as a growing self awareness, self-care, self-reliance (as opposed to an external authority or an outside power greater than themselves) and better decision-making so that the recovering person is no longer as driven to relieve pain.

re: "No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Sobriety!"

RelationshipVision — Sun, 18 May 2008 13:12:16 GMT

"Something innately right about us" conflicts with the fact that the person you're referring to is an addict/alcoholic in the early stages of recovery. Your own wishes, desires, attraction can be blinding and often is. If he is to have a quality sustained recovery, it's necessary that he commit a year or so to doing the self-work that will ready him for the rigors of creating and sustaining a healthy intimate relationship. Rather than seeking to restore a sexually intimate relationship, it may be in both of your best interests to explore a developing (platonic) friendship, which could support his recovery and make your relationship an important part of his recovery. It appears that you both had already tried getting your relationship back prematurely when you said, "you had engaged in destructive behavior together," without going into much detail. For all intents and purposes, there is no "us" right now" and it remains unclear as to whether there will be an us. Don't assume that if and when he is sober and on a path of recovery, that the chances for a healthy relationship improve. If you try to have a relationship with him when he is further along in his recovery, it will be a whole new start and it remains to be seen how the two of you will respond to each other.

re: Diagnosing Addiction: The sooner addiction is detected the more favorable the prognosis.

clubJWP — Tue, 13 May 2008 04:25:04 GMT

i couldnt agree more with julialegene. The treatments are possible only if there is a will of going for it. i feel any addiction is easy to get in and hard to come out. Unless a pinnacle is reached, you can not come out of it. The pinnacle as mentioned by julialegen is the bottom. When some one feels he is finished completely that is the bottom, being in the field i know that you can get out of it. it just needs little dedication , devotion and lots of will power.

JWP

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This is a comprehensive addiction portal focusing on topics of alcohol and drug abuse.<a href="http://www.alcoholaddiction.org"> http://www.alcoholaddiction.org</a>

re: Introducing… The Relationship Model of Addiction

Peta51 — Sun, 11 May 2008 21:39:12 GMT

I appreciate your sharing with us all. I advocate the concept of quality progressive recovery that sees the recovering addict as a triune being of ‘mind-body-soul’. I believe many recovering addicts lack a strong spiritual component in their recovery that makes them more susceptible to suffering a slip that can easily lead to a relapse back into the perils of active addiction. The primary relationship should be with the Creator God as a true higher power, that is, a communion with the Creator via prayer, meditation and spiritual enlightenment. This may seem like mere New Ageism, but such a humility helps the recovering addict actually achieve a real cure from the ailments of his or her addiction. The concepts embedded in the 12-Steps of the Big Book came from the Holy Bible. Plus, we need to avoid the individualism typical of the addict, the me-first mentality and put more of an emphasis on helping others. Naturally we need to understand ourselves deeper than ever and process the pain that goes along with that self-understanding, plus, remember the elements involved in our family-of-origin, but we must also address our ‘conscious contact with God’ in order to see ourselves with a humble perspective for our continued progressive recovery and spiritual growth.

re: "No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Sobriety!"

bhops15 — Fri, 02 May 2008 04:33:36 GMT

i have a quick question:

but first, let me preface it with some background info. I was seeing a guy for approximately 3 months in the fall of last year. during which his alcohol and drug addiction became apparent, often times leaving me to bare the mood swings. But regardless, in the light of day i always received an apology, and as much as I wanted to cut my losses and move on, there was something innately right about us. in fact, even our relationship grew in intensity very quickly (as they easily tend to in a collegiate setting.) Eventually, however roller coaster came to an abrupt stop when he was suspended and sent to rehab. Though in the beginning we engaged in destructive behavior together, later on i was very careful to be supportive of his sobriety and the rehab process. Before he left, we ended on yet another emotional spat, which again left me wondering where i stood in his life.

...with that said....

i have since received a handful of phone calls sporadically over the months from him, and finally caught one about a month ago and we spoke live. nothing of interest, just vague pleasantries ...he is still in a treatment. he asked if he could call again and mentioned possibly coming back to school sometime to visit and hopefully re-enrolling.

i care deeply for him, but am unsure of what's best for everyone in this situation, is it a bad idea to contact him and find out what the deal is with 'us'? ideally, i would love for him to come back and for 'us' to finally work out; but, i would never want to jeopardize his rehabilitation process, would it be better to cut ties completely?

--i understand that this is not a clear-cut situation, but any insight on the rehab process and relationships of this type would be greatly appreciated.

-thanks

re: "No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Sobriety!"

EddieB — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 01:36:15 GMT

When someone is new to recovery and it works for them, they change. Starting a new relationship during this period is akin to starting multiple relationships. One with the addict and one with the sober person. No matter how you cut it, it is a dangerous time to start a relationship. The other side of this is that often the person who "loved" the addict will not be so enamoured with the sober person, and vice versa. That person who "loved" the addict may want to keep that person an addict, selfish and inconsiderate as that sounds...

re: Diagnosing Addiction: The sooner addiction is detected the more favorable the prognosis.

julialegene — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 02:53:24 GMT

I do believe that diagnosis and intervention can be life saving but I also KNOW that an addict will not stop using until they have "hit their bottom." Everyone have a different bottom. That bottom can be physical, emotional, mental or spiritual. I've heard it said that "Your bottom is when you put down the shovel and stop digging." Easier said then done. The disease of addiction is cunning, baffling, powerful, fatal, incurable, and progressive. We can however recover one day at a time. We are not alone!

Julia

http://addictsdorecover.com

re: "No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Sobriety!"

RelationshipVision — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 18:17:59 GMT

Hello hopeful4heather,

The issue you are raising is, "How do you take care of yourself in a relationship when there is a seeming lack of mutuality? Do you continue to hang in there? Do you pull back? "

Okay, there is some confusion as to her desire and intention to pursue a relationship and you have made attempts to clarify the status. However it remains unclear as she continues to give mixed messages, nothing definitive. Healthy self-interest means, among other things, being able to adjust you level of involvement according to what you are getting back, i.e. mutuality. That your involvement is not driven by dependency, that you do not need her or the relationship to feel good about yourself. Mutual interest and desire are basic criteria for deciding whether to hang in and keep trying to achieve a deeper understanding. Situations like the one you described are opportunities to check in with yourself as to how emotionally ready you are to stand on your own two feet and act accordingly. If you're ready and wanting to go forward and have communicated such and she isn't ready to act in kind and is not even communicating about where she is right now and what she wants to do about the future, you can tell her that while she continues to do her own self-work, addressing unresolved family of origin issues and trauma, now is not the time for them to try to make something work. That you are going your separate ways.