"No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Sobriety!" by Daniel Linder MA, MFT,
as featured in March 2007 issue of Recovery Today.

Recovering addicts hear this all the time in 12-step programs. However, this sound bit of wisdom is rarely heeded. Many have a hard time accepting that a hiatus from intimate relationships is necessary. In their minds, dating and new relationships seem benign. “As long as I’m not using and we’re not using and are in a program, I’m safe.” Not so fast.  Getting into an intimate relationship prematurely is, as my mother would say, “Ill-conceived, ill-advised and ill-consummated.”

Odds are more than fifty percent of marriages will end in divorce for the general population. Want to venture a guess as to the odds for those in early recovery who test this cardinal rule?

Despite one’s best laid plans or intentions to not re-enact the same dysfunction and failures of previous relationships, the odds are overwhelmingly against the relationship -- doomed to be dysfunctional or have a shortened life expectancy.

Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule, but assuming that we would not want our emotional and mental well-being to hinge on a miracle, is it worth the risk? But this is not what the recovering addict is thinking about. When it comes to delaying gratification, when it comes to ‘choosing’ between ‘one step at a time’ versus ‘all at once,’ thinking in terms of gradual and taking time to develop and being objective and realistic are not how addicts are wired. There is no point of reference. Most recovering addicts don’t realize that admitting to being out of control and surrendering to their powerlessness, as having done so in Steps I and II, also apply to their emotions when dating and in early stage relationships.

The problem is not the relationship or the intimacy. It’s the sex. Sex tends to increase one’s level of emotional involvement and intensity of feelings, especially for women. Men tend to cope by splitting off from their feelings; that is, are more likely to engage in sexual relationships while remaining emotionally divorced or superficial. Sex is a trigger for emotional over-involvement or under-involvement relative to the stage of relationship. Either way, each one’s inability to manage his/her own emotional needs and provide self-nourishment will eventually jeopardize the developing relationship.

What often happens is that sex, exciting enough as it is, often leads to an infusion of romantic feelings, which can further heighten the excitement, which then awakens the “sleeping giant” -- the backlog of unmet emotional needs from previous relationships. The “giant” awakens (emotionally) ravenous and is not aware of the extent his/her hunger drives the relationship. Our unmet emotional needs reside in our unconscious and are sealed off from our awareness. 

It’s during the first year of recovery that the addict is to learn how to break the cycle of addiction. A year of sobriety and ‘relationship abstinence’ are meant to allow a sufficient amount of time to deal with one’s own emotions without having to resort to his/her addiction, to build self-awareness and to become responsible for one’s own emotional care. Rather than relying on an external source for relief or emotional gain, which is what s/he is accustomed to do, s/he begins to look internally, to rely on oneself as a source of emotional nourishment. 

“The most important relationship is with oneself” poses a complete paradigm shift to the recovering addict. If the necessary amount of time to grow the relationship with oneself hasn’t lapsed, chances are the recovering addict will do what they’ve been accustomed to do all of their lives; that is to look outside of oneself for relief or to make up for what is missing emotionally.

 When unmet emotional needs begin to get played out in the relationship, the relationship can become an addictive or dysfunctional one, which further perpetuates the cycle of addiction. There may be excitement and hope at the beginning, but it’s only be a matter of time before increasing strife, stress and dysfunction lead to the relationship’s demise. An additional factor of concern is that dysfunctional and failed relationships dramatically increase the risk of relapse.

At the 5 month point of a sustained period of ‘relationship abstinence,’ Linda, a recovering alcoholic, proceeded to date a man, Jack, whom she met at a 12-Step meeting. Jack had been sober 10 years.

After approximately 5 dates during 3 weeks of dating him, the “writing was on the wall.” Linda had sex with him on the third date, which felt like quite an accomplishment that she was able to wait “so long.” When I asked her to assess the level of her emotional involvement, she thought about it awhile before saying in a tone of wonderment, “Not too much I hope. Noticed myself checking my phone messages more frequently than usual. That’s all.” She was referring his anticipated return from being out of town for several days. She didn’t want to fret about whether he would call her upon his return, but she did. She didn’t want to end up calling him before he called her, but she just couldn’t wait.

There were other indications of emotional over-involvement. When Linda talked about how she reacted when a couple of overtures she had made to him, i.e. expressing a desire to celebrate his birthday together and a dinner invitation, he suggested they “play it by ear,” she noticed herself getting angry and responding sarcastically to him.

It was apparent that Linda was looking for assurances that he is still interested. When his assurances weren’t forthcoming, she reacted as if he wasn’t being truthful, that he really wasn’t interested in her or the relationship, which wasn’t the case. He might have been taken aback by the edge in her voice. Linda couldn’t see that she was reacting from wounds of past relationships, from a place of insecurity, and the extent her mental and emotional well being hinged on how he responded to her.  

The challenge for Linda remains the same as for any other recovering addict; taking the time -- how ever long the process of self-reclamation takes, before entering into a sexually, intimate relationship. 

“No intimate relationships during the first year of sobriety” is merely a reminder that it takes a year or so of rigorous participation in a program that is sobriety and self-based before one is emotionally ready to get sexually involved. If entering into such a relationship prematurely, the recovering person, and anyone else for that matter, runs the risk of unresolved dependency issues tainting the newly developing relationship.

Thank you for your email..... Several inquiries have been made to me regarding the above article: Below is an example of one such email and my response.  Daniel

Dear Mr. Linder,

I was given your article to read regarding, "No intimate relationships during the first year of sobriety." My partner of 3 1/2 years was given this by his therapist and asked that I read it. During the past 7 months my partner has been told not to make any changes in our relationship. Now he is given this article. My question is this... After sharing this with four different psychologists, (2 that specialize in substance abuse, and 2 that do not, 2 men, 2 women,) all were a little confused. Ours is not a new relationship. And following this would require a major change in our relationship, which his therapist has consistently said not to.

Would it be possible for you to just provide me with some insight (my partner and I have a strong, loving, relationship) as to what a couple is to do in this situation?

Thank you for your time and help with this. I eagerly await your answer.

Daniel's Response....

First off, the recent spat of similar inquiries made me realize that I didn't specify the audience I was addressing by, "No Intimate Relationships During the First Year of Recovery." My alert was directed towards those in early recovery who are single, not currently in a relationship, and whose primary focus and goal is to develop coping skills to live a sober life, learn to handle emotions, and most importantly strengthen the relationship with oneself without the distraction of a sexually intimate relationship. I realize that given you are already in a sexually active 3 1/2 year relationship, one you consider to be strong and loving, you're wondering how such a dictum might apply to your situation. Certainly I don't mean for you and your partner to suddenly become celibate. The point is to clarify the challenges during first year of recovery so that you both can align your priorities and purpose accordingly. The key is for the recovering person to do the necessary self-work, which will pay huge dividends by improving the chances that one creates solid, emotionally and sexually intimate, nourishing and lasting relationships. As you may already know, relationship dysfunction and problems are the most common cause of relapse. Also understand that a basic implication of any addiction is that addiction is a primary relationship (with a source of relief, be it with substances, gambling, porn, or sex), and that this relationship is overpowering and supersedes all other relationships. Until recovery, all other relationships may compete with the addiction, only to lose every time. In other words, you can look forward to developing a new and qualitatively different relationship with your partner, which will continue to improve over time. However, rule of thumb is that it takes a year or so of steady adherence to a program that enables the recovering addict to transition from dependence on a source of relief to reliance on oneself, and one in which the recovering person develops much needed relationship building skills. The quality of any relationship depends largely on the quality of the relationship the two people have with themselves. Feel free to continue this dialog with questions or comments.

Daniel Linder MFT is a licensed psychotherapist in the San Francisco Bay Area, Relationship Trainer, Addiction Specialist; Author: Demystifying Addiction, Relationship Recovery and numerous related articles; and to be released April 1, 07, Intimacy, The Essence of True Love. CEU’s: Relational Recovery Training (8 CEU’s), The Relational Model of Addiction (6 CEU’s), Stigma, The Game of Appearances (3 CEU’s), Diagnosing Addiction and Mastering Intervention (2 CEU’s each).

Website: http://www.RelationshipVision.com

Email: Daniel@RelationshipVision.com

I appreciate your efforts in writing about this subject, I find it fascinating.

You mentioned, "The ‘relief’ that the ‘relationship with a source of relief’ provides is from pain or frustration related to unmet emotional needs." This is interesting to wrap my mind around because I know of a few people, including myself, who struggled in their relationships with a notion of a Higher Power or a G-d. They are recovering devout people :) I say that partially joking, but many of us had a very dysfunctional relationship with G-d, and ultimately acted out in other addictions to numb that discomfort.

I think the ultimate relationship many people need to learn how to have is the one with themselves -- and in learning to do that by way of program, treatment and counseling, all arrows point up to some invisible all mighty; some might find that an obstacle or Catch-22.

With a real nourishing relationship with another person or one's self, we seem to be driven toward a level of intimacy we did not know before. One wise person I know said 'intimacy' meant: look "into me and see." & intimacy requires a great deal of trust; and trust is not easily awarded or deserved for a lot of people. So, I find that people feel less-than, and often undeserving of intimacy where a partner can actually look into them and see them for who they are in the here and now ... so they remain closed down in this area. For some people I know, this is where porn seems to come in; they see porn providing a whole lot less rejection when dealing with a picture or a movie. (But it recycles the pain because the pain is never dealt with or experienced).  

I think you understand this all a great deal better than me (thankfully), and I agree that there are tremendous pent-up pains residing in a lot of us due to unmet emotional needs -- and that for many of us, we numbed (or sought relief) from unemotional non-nourishing sources -- and then we happened to get addicted to that stuff.

So, if a person has arrested their addiction today and has gravitated toward an intimate relationship with G-d and/or another human being, why will mere acknowledgment of a Relationship Model of Recovery help bring about trust, self-esteem (we deserve), or even respect in a relationship? Wouldn't this Model of Recovery make relationships with anyone NOT in recovery at this level intensely impossible?

Sometimes I feel self-awareness isolates me from civilians. I work not to judge people, but I see red flags quicker than ever before, and now with the gift of making choices, I would rather be alone than deal with someone who is hardly self-actualized. Do you find that this is a barrier or an obstacle among other people?

I really appreciate this exchange -- thanks for sharing all this stuff.

 Response from Daniel... 

 "Like a bridge over troubled waters…"  Paul Simon

You raise several important issues.

I believe that there is a stage of recovery when recovering people must come to terms with some limitations and implications embedded in the 12-Step program and philosophy that pose challenges to their continued growth. At some point, the ‘externalization’ of the higher power comes back to haunt them – the consensus that the higher power is the ultimate source or authority, and exists outside of oneself.

It seems, today more than ever, within the Anonymous constituency, an ever-increasing number people are expressing disenchantment or wonderment about their relationship with their higher power. The higher power, what is it? Many are feeling like they’re up against a wall, and are realizing, as you yourself had stated above, that their relationship with a higher power or the higher power has become dysfunctional, that they’re (still) emotionally starved, that take them back to the days of their addiction, and puts them at risk of relapse. Many are wondering why they’re left feeling bad about themselves for becoming addicted of being addicted, that there is something deeply wrong inside their core. Their higher power equates to losing touch with themselves, as if their selves have brought them nothing but destruction. They have learned to not take credit for anything and bestow the responsibility for everything good that happens to God. As a result, many are losing faith. This stage can be many years into recovery and any number of relapses later.

Something must have gotten lost along the way. In the earliest stages of recovery, some call abstinence or sustained abstinence, we realize that it was our will or lack of will that wrecked havoc on our lives…and that we are powerless, our lives unmanageable, and only a “power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.”  In the beginning of recovery, total surrender is both necessary and comforting, as it lightens the burden of shame and demoralization from having lost control and the many humiliating consequences. It’s blind faith that gets us out of the gate.  Initially we stop blaming ourselves.

At what point can we begin to take some credit for what we had accomplished? At what point do we begin to focus on ourselves as a source and authority? When do our relationships take center stage? When will the relationship we have with ourselves be restored? When you say, “I think the ultimate relationship many people need to learn how to have is the one with themselves -- learning to do that by way of program, treatment and counseling, I thought it was me talking. It has been a basic premise or theme running through my work as I emphasize the primary relationship, i.e. the one we have with ourselves, as well, developing relationship-building skills. Yes, when all arrows point up to some invisible all mighty; many will find the prevailing interpretations and applications of the higher powers to be a Catch-22.

When one establishes or restores the relationship with oneself, intimacy becomes possible. The profound treatment implications of The Relationship Model of Addiction come from the premise upon which it is based; that intimacy is a basic human need, and when intimacy or understanding are achieved, emotional needs are actually getting met as opposed leaving one starved and desperate for relief, that they are life and self-sustaining.

There is something missing if recovery and one’s program serves to perpetuate the sense of isolation and disconnection. Intimate relationships and understanding and the process of co-creation are key missing ingredients. You seem to understand that before you have a relationship characterized by respect, trust, acceptance and deep knowing or understanding with someone else, we must first develop such a relationship with oneself. Before you can love someone else, you must love yourself.  

You seem to see that the addictive potential of pornography comes from the temporary and artificial relief derived from the relationship that develops with an imaginary other. It’s only in fantasy to be in a relationship in which you will never be rejected or abandoned and the (imaginary) other is everything you wish him or her to be, until, of course, reality comes crashing down. Relating, let alone being truly intimate with another human being quickly becomes an unbearable, if not, impossible proposition. While the relationship with pornographic images may provide excitement and escape, in the end, the addict is left emptier and hungrier than ever.  

Just thinking about The Relationship Model of Addiction doesn’t necessarily “bring about trust, self-esteem and respect.” It doesn’t matter whether you think about the model or not, the idea is focus on yourself and the relationships you are creating. The idea is also to heighten your awareness of your hunger for connection, your longing for love, your hunger for intimacy. If that translates to you suddenly being able to create depth and rapport in your relationships, then see for yourselves, the difference between groveling for crumbs to survive and the replenishment that intimacy brings. I refer to the “sacred space of co-creation” as when two separate, self-realized people come together, united in purpose, exploring and exposing themselves, enraptured in deep understanding. Intimacy as a life force is, in itself, life-sustaining, inspiring, the closest thing to a natural rush as you could get. But the relationship goes beyond the rush, beyond sexual excitement and attraction, beyond unmet emotional needs; the relationship is a swirling energy, a whole other entity, like fire igniting when a match strikes a flint. It’s food our beings need to thrive. Living with a sense of purpose is what The Relationship Model of Addiction is about, and your purpose becoming a more powerful force than your need for relief. Later stages of recovery are when you’re most likely to embark on that long journey home. The next relationship is the one that develops when you and ‘the higher’ come together.